1. It’s complicated.
When you spend a good amount of time around someone, you get to know them better than most people. In marriage, you and your partner play a myriad of roles in one another’s life. With that comes some complications. As for me, I know that my husband knows me and what I want, so much so that there are times that I totally forego telling him what my expectations and/or needs are. We get caught up in our busy schedules and forget that our partner doesn’t always know what we want, especially if we aren't direct about it. I can’t simply expect that my husband will know that I want him to pick up my signature Starbucks beverage on the way home from an airport run, but I can TELL him I’d appreciate that. (And hey, he might even grab me my favorite kind of donut, Bavarian cream, which he did this morning!) Communicating effectively allows for simplification. I think that people tend to make their relationships more complicated because they want something really interesting to happen, but a drama-free marriage isn't boring, it’s a happy one.
2. Marriage has its own life cycle.
You will have good days, bad days, spectacular days, and black days. It happens. All relationships, but particularly marriage, have a natural rise and fall. This ebb and flow is why every relationship a person has doesn’t end in marriage. Even when you do meet the person you can see spending your life with, there will be a flow to your relationship where you will be closer and less-close. What is important, is that when you get less-close, you don't detach. I never want to see the love that I share with my husband die. These changes in your marriage make it stronger in the end, but only if you remember that the bad days will pass.
3. Making and reaching goals is imperative.
Financially, your spouse is the Clyde to your Bonnie: if you don’t make a plan, you are likely to fail. Something that Dylan and I have been working toward is getting a large sum saved up for the future. We get really excited when we hit another goal, and at the same time, we're ensuring our future. When we were first married, we had very little money because we were so young, but our situation has improved. Even if you are struggling every paycheck, take a small amount to save. Making a promise to yourself and your partner for your future is great for your marriage. I love when I talk to other couples and they can realistically plan what they want to do in the future. If you want a vacation or a new (or second) car or a house or children, financial stability and hopefully, a good credit score are important to attain before doing so. After working toward saving money, we have been able to travel quite a bit and we are finally getting to celebrate our successful marriage with a honeymoon that we couldn't afford five years ago. Trust me, I know that it isn't easy because life happens and, much like in the movie UP, you have to break your Paradise Falls jar every now and then. By creating a plan and following it, we are betting on us.
4. Your spouse comes first (before all others, including children).
It’s true, I do not have children, but that does not mean that I don't know a thing or two about being a parent. I am certain that the love you have for your partner is much different than what you have for your child/ren, but hear me out when I say that your spouse should ALWAYS come before your child/ren. In order for that child to come into the world, you had to at least know your partner. If you were married before having a child, you clearly loved your partner beforehand, and for people like me, bringing a child into your lives may have been a very calculated decision that you chose. Although not everyone chooses to get pregnant, we do chose to get married. My husband will absolutely always come ahead of any child/ren that we bring into our lives. Dylan completely agrees with me on this and we understand that the responsibilities for a child (safety, education, nurturing, etc.) differs from those in marriage. One day we may move away from our city, one day (if we decide to become parents) our child/ren will be adults, but we will always have each other. I do not put my family above my husband and I do not put my friends above my husband, even though I do love them all. I continue to choose my husband and my marriage everyday. And don't sit there reading this thinking I'm a 1950’s housewife, either because I live my own life. I am independent and clearly have a mind of my own. I just adore my marriage and want to keep it that way.
5. Expectations are almost always a let-down.
My biggest personal flaw is that I expect too much from others. Five years of marriage and I have just now discovered this. And hole shit, was it a difficult reality check for me. I really don't feel like I expect exuberant actions in all situations, but I have learned that I often come off that way. When I started thinking more about what my high expectations meant, I began to realize that I expect a lot from other people because I expect a lot from myself. I want people to be on time, to put others’ needs before their own, to listen and ask questions, to be open-minded, to be organized and well put-together, and in many ways, want what I want. This isn't just a challenge for me to overcome, but in the meantime, my husband has done quite a lot to be damn near perfect. I am not a perfect wife and I never will be. I am very lucky. I have a faithful, present, loving, accepting, and forgiving husband. He’s perfect in so many ways, so when other wives I know complain about their husband doing this or that, I am easily reminded of that fact that I have a spectacular husband. These expectations that I have, though, have probably shaped Dylan's choices and actions due to my semi-impossible standards. There have been times where it becomes obvious that he’s an imperfect human (just as I honestly want him to be), but not having my expectations met causes me anxiety and disappointment. I am now working on being more relaxed and not expecting too much. You don’t have completely let go of all of your expectations, but they certainly can be made more realistic. We can't expect our marriages to look like a fairytale because those stories aren't real. Life is dirty and inconvenient. In marriage, I have come to understand that it is vital to remember that we are doing our best, even if we aren't perfect.
6. Take time away from technology.
Dylan and I are millennials, which means that we grew up in a world that was computer savvy and internet-oriented. We love reading and sharing articles online and enjoy our Netflix binges as much as the next person. What many people our age seem to forget is that you have to step away from your technological devices (that includes the television) and spend quality time with your spouse. We make it a point to not watch more than an hour of television per workday, as we like to watch movies on the weekends. We don’t look at our phones while we're on a dinner date. Dylan and I have found so much happiness in doing other things together. We go for long walks on some of our city’s urban trails and parks. We play at least one game of chess every night. We take time to plan our meals and cook together. We listen to music and dance. We have a glass (or bottle) of wine and discuss politics and work events and the meaning of life. We talk about our day and make each other laugh. We unplug from our fucking technology. THIS IS LIFE, not a game, not a way to pass the time. Be joyous and live it.
7. Go ahead and speak your mind.
“Speak the truth—even if your voice shakes.” - Maggie Kuhn
Even in marriage, you will find that you will disagree on issues that are fundamental to you. I am very strongly opinionated when it comes to my political beliefs. Being a liberal feminist is the most important ideal in my life. I am a defender of women’s rights and equality. When I was younger, I often felt shut down for my opinions, so I didn't discuss them much in my small, mostly-rural community. When I moved to Indianapolis and started college, I began to realize the my voice could and would be heard by those around me. With this, I began doing extensive research on topics I found to be important, even if those ideas were “radical.” Even inside of marriage, there will be issues that you and your partner do not see eye-to-eye. If I am firm, which I am about 95% of the time, in your beliefs, just hear the other person out, but do not forget to debate. Bring issues to the table that you find important. My husband is an anarchist, agnostic cyber nerd who has hitchhiked hundreds of miles to participate in protests. He is who he is, but we still work avidly to learn about each other's point of view on various topics. So do your research and state facts that are relevant. Do not let your emotions get mixed in with your argument, especially if you are trying to sway someone's opinion. If you want to learn or persuade your partner, friend, family member, peer, etc., to see your stance, you cannot be afraid to say what is important to you. It’s okay to disagree, but it isn't okay to throw your conviction in the trash bin.
8. Give yourself treats to look forward to.
We all go through stressful times: a lot to get done at work, busy schedule, social engagements, household obligations, and the day-to-day of life in general. I have found it easiest to get through stressful situations just by planning something with my husband as a light at the end of the tunnel. Even really small-scale plans are helpful to keep you focused on what matters most. If you're really stressed, it can help to have something to look forward to, even if it’s just a plan to see a new movie over the weekend to go to an ice cream shop one evening. These plans are a small gift you give to yourself. It’s a lot like making a financial plan in that you allow yourselves to get excited about your future together. Big plans lead to even bigger excitement. Being happy and enthusiastic about your time together shows that your partner takes priority in your life in a fun way.
9. Don’t dig up old dirt.
If you keep coming back to an issue you have in your marriage, it means that you need to work it out. There have been times where something has been brought up in conversation that caused quite a bit of tension for Dylan and I. A hot-button topic would have been brought up casually, but it would upset the other person. When you work something out, you move on from it. If you bring it up, it can cause unneeded conflict. I find it best to just work out problems when we are faced with them. When you ignore an issue, it’s like sweeping dirt under a rug and if you continue to do that, eventually the mound of dirt will get so big that everyone around you will be able to see it except for you two. Bringing up issues that you have laid to rest is like pulling week-old/month-old/year-old pizza out of a dumpster and forcing your spouse to eat it. Just don’t do it, promise?
10. Live on your own timeline.
I saved the best for last with this one. The most valuable lesson I have learned in five years of marriage is that your life isn't going to and doesn’t have to look like the lives of those around you. In American culture, there is a lot of pressure to go to college right after high school and to be married with children by 30. When you are faced with that sort of pressure, you simply must ask yourself, “Is that really what I want?” Yes, I am married with a college degree at 23. My husband is about to go back to college in the fall to get his degree. He is 27. We neither one want children at this point and we're completely fulfilled by being dog-parents. We have looked around at houses, but aren't sure about buying one, since we may move in a few years. This is our life and we have been building it our way. My life has never looked like anyone else’s, so why should I conform to the grand American idealization of the "perfect life" all of a sudden? We will and do have freedoms that my parents and Dylan’s parents did not have. We will not go into debt just to make our life look beautiful from the outside, as it rots on the inside. We are the architects of our marriage, our lives, and our future.
I am thrilled to have my husband by my side every day of my life. There is so much adventure that awaits us. Five years of marriage seems minuscule in comparison to the many years we are so blessed to have ahead. I love him even more than I did when we were wed and I am awestruck by the possibilities of where our love will take us.
