The 7 Deadly Sins of Love

We all know about the typical 7 Deadly Sins: Greed, Lust, Wrath, Gluttony, Pride, Envy, and Sloth. I've always been enamored with these ideas and for the past 10 years or so, I have tried to make sure that I stay away from these character flaws. (Often the most "poisonous" people are the embodiment of at least one of these "sins.") With my interest of these, I find that there can also be 7 Deadly Sins within a relationship. Often times, people tend to constructively (and sometimes, not-so-constructively) criticize their partner for all different things, but these are "sins" that I find to be the most hurtful to a relationship.

1. Jealousy. Just how envy is one of the 7 Deadly Sins, jealousy is also bad for your relationship. Now, from time to time you may get jealous of your partner, that's natural. Maybe they got a promotion after you've been working toward one for a year. Maybe they have free time and you're always swamped. Maybe they get hit on when you're out on the town. Whatever the case may be, it is important to put that feeling on "the shelf." Working towards accomplishing goals that make you feel good about yourself, whether that means taking on a new project at work, volunteering, or working out. If you build yourself up, you'll probably gain self-confidence. Being insecure about your relationship or yourself can cause irreparable damage to both.

2. Unrealistically high expectations. You're a human, right? Well, more than likely, so is your partner. Imperfectness is something that comes with being a human, so before placing high expectations on your partner, consider the other things they have on their plate. You may get upset that they didn't come home and clean the house after work, but maybe they had an unusually heavy workload. Make sure that you aren't asking too much from your partner. Ask him/her calm questions to see if you're simply asking too much of them, because humans all have different, individual needs.

3. Selfishness. As said in #2, people have differing needs, so it is important to make sure their needs, as well as your own, are being met. Everyone needs alone time, everyone needs to spend time with their friends, everyone needs a day off. Sometimes the most selfish actions involve spending habits. (This goes for single people, too.) If you aren't living within your means, like eating out, shopping, going on vacation, etc., when you don't have the financial ability to do so, then STOP. Racking up debt instead of being thoughtful about other financial responsibilities is a huge indication of selfishness, because you're taking away security from you partner (and your future-self) to simply satisfy a present desire. This comes around to every day actions, if you do something without thinking about your partner, you're doing it wrong. Make decisions together, ask your partner about their opinion. A little selflessness goes a long way.

4. Not making quality time for each other. The keyword here is quality. I'm still in college and with that comes a lot of time management. I have a full course load, 2 internships, a job at the university writing center, a campus leadership position, and (for lack of a better term) a shitload of homework. Busy doesn't even begin to cover it. When I do get to spend time with my husband, often times we have other work to get done, like take care of our dog, visit our parents/siblings, go grocery shopping, clean, and volunteer. That is time that we get to spend together, but it isn't exactly quality time. Also, time we spend watching tv or working on our projects aren't exactly quality, either. Go out for dinner/dessert or have a picnic with your phones left at home, go for a walk and talk/quiet run, read a book together aloud, play a game, write a song, or just lay outside and stargaze. Do things that enrich your relationship.

5. Ungratefulness. Often in our busy lives, we take our lover for granted. We don't appreciate all the small details and gestures they do for us, but it is imperative that we stop and say 'thank you' for the help they extend or for the sweet text they sent. In order to not take things for granted, if you forget to say 'thank you,' but you remember the kind action, just pay it forward. Do something nice for them in return and tell them that you appreciated that thing they did. It will amaze you how much a returned kindness can make your relationship stronger.

6. Stubbornness. We all have opinions. Many of us have strong opinions, but that doesn't mean that we should ever be stuck in our ways. In some relationships, one or both partners may even be too stubborn to apologize, admit they're wrong, or work on a new solution to an old problem. Even if you think you're right, it is important to swallow your pride from time to time to keep your home happy and sane. Most arguments in my family start out of stubbornness: my dad always thinks he's right, my sister has a rough tone of voice, my mom is dismissive of others. It was a real challenge growing up, but I learned over time that the best way to 'win' an argument is to be flexible. Don't simply throw your hands up (give up), but know when the conversation is past the point of a logical end. Being willing to understand the other person's point of view is the best way to end stubbornness.

7. Being unforgiving. People are people. That's my mantra. You can't expect anyone to ever be perfect or to always do what you want them to do. If your partner says something offensive, do your best to go by Queen Elsa's advice and let it go. If your partner forgets to pick up tampons/clean the toilet/buy groceries for a dinner party/bathe the kids or dog, remember that there is always time to fix that missed action, but scolding them harshly for something may not be so easily repaired, so forgive them. If you do encounter a situation that cannot be forgiven, maybe that is a sign that you aren't with the right person for you, because if your trust is broken and cannot be restored, then your relationship probably isn't going to make it after all. And that's okay. Should you ever have a relationship/marriage that ends, simply remember that your life doesn't end just because your relationship/marriage did. Failure is a event, not a person. If the action is something you can forgive, don't hold on to something that bothers you because it can fester into resentment, which is one of the leading causes of relationship-death.

 

At the end of the day, we're all working towards being the best versions of ourselves. With the right environment and no self-sabotage, we can all be exactly who we want. Consistently working toward the version of yourself that you strive to be is the best way to ensure success. Happiness within yourself and your home are the keys to being successful in the big, wide world. 

Why I Always Cry At Weddings

I have shed at least one tear at very wedding I've ever attended. It's not because I'm a big sap or because I think the bride is the most gorgeous I've ever seen her or because the groom looks overwhelmingly happy.

I cry at weddings because they remind me of all the love that my husband and I share.

When I got married, I was merely 18 years old. Looking back, I still acknowledge that it was a huge decision, even though getting married didn't change my day-to-day life in an overwhelming way, especially since Dylan and I were already living together. We decided to get married because marriage itself is a promise of life-long love. What gets me emotional at weddings are the vows, which often contain even deeper promises.

"I promise to always be the love of your life."
"I promise to be a true and loyal friend to you."
"I promise to be faithful and supportive, knowing that our marriage is always my top priority."
"I promise to comfort you if the Colts lose and drink beer with you when they win."
"I promise kindness and patience, respect and lightheartedness, attentiveness and self-improvement."
"I promise to hold your hand every night and to never let us lose our spark."
"I promise to be your navigator, consoler, sidekick, best friend, and soulmate. I promise you myself."
"I promise to never give up."

When you decide to get married, you are consciously making the decision to make and keep promises that you offer to your spouse on your wedding day. Sometimes you will have a rough day and be upset with your partner, but you always come back to those promises that you made. You can't promise to be a perfect person, but you can promise to try your best. Hearing vows at wedding ceremonies really help me remember not only why I chose to get married, but why I chose to marry Dylan. It always comes back to unwavering, unending, mutually-obsessive love.

Wedding vows allow a multitude of people to vocalize what they want to give to their partner and also share their truest, mushiest, most candid, and love-filled feelings with friends and family. Often times, the bride and groom share personal aspects of their relationship that you may never get to see otherwise. I tend to cry during the vow exchange simply because you can feel a room fill up and be swallowed by the love that another couple shares.

Love is something that we are so lucky to experience as humans. Sometimes people take their marriage, their partners, and the ability to love whole-heartedly for granted. I personally chose to get married for two reasons: I never wanted to go another day without having Dylan by my side and I never wanted to have another day that I wasn't completely, selflessly, star-crossed, head-over-heels in love. And I can't imagine my life any other way. The richness that love brings to your life is the most rewarding and fulfilling aspect of the human experience.

There will never be anything in this world - be it money, travel, sexual pleasure, science, religion, education, politics, fame, patriotism, etc. - that will ever be more powerful than LOVE.

"We Need To Talk..."

Inevitably, all the relationships that you will ever have will go one of two ways: you'll break up or you'll be together for the rest of your lives.

I suppose this idea could be a bit menacing, but what really gets me is the road that leads to both of these outcomes. The majority of my friends are single and while cringing about some of the situations they've all encountered, I think the worst of them all is the breakups.

I don't say that breakups are the worst because I think being single sucks because I don't think that at all. I say that because I see that so many men and women don't really know how to deal with a breakup, therefore making it suck for the two people involved. There's a commonality in a lot of the relationship endings that I've witnessed:

Men will completely excommunicate the woman they are seeing.

I think that this trend has risen from the technological age that we're in. I find that men are afraid to directly confront a woman, possibly, which leads to a total cut-off. Now, I'm certainly not blaming men for this behavior, and I'm sure that there are also women that do this, but I must ask, when did it become acceptable to treat a human being as if they're a name on a screen, and not an actual person?

I tried to understand why a person would shut someone out so coldly, and the only answer that I came to is that they are afraid of hurting the other parties' feelings, yet it hurts much more to not even be acknowledged as someone getting broken up with. I do think that some men may do this because a lot of women seem to be overly dramatic when going through the "We Need To Talk" speech. Whoever is on the receiving end of the breakup obviously has a right to be upset, if they've been in a serious two-sided relationship, but I think all people should look at it this way:

If a man/woman completely cuts you off, why hold on so tightly? Would you really want to (potentially) marry someone who doesn't want to marry you?

For my husband and I, there wasn't a period where we ever questioned being together. We always knew. From the moment Dylan met me (literally a 30-second introduction, nearly a year before we ever went out on a date), he couldn't stop thinking about that girl. (Seriously, the most flattering thing I've ever heard from him, but yes, I also know that this doesn't happen with everyone.)

When going through an excommunication, I think that moving on quickly really is the best way to go, because wasting time and energy mourning a relationship you had with a person that doesn't want you isn't conducive to your love life or your mental health.

As adults, we should be able to let go of something that is one-sided. Marriage is consensual, meaning that you can't force someone to marry you (or if you have the magical powers to do so, you can't force them to be happily married or stay married). If you don't intend on ever getting married, you're more than likely going to endure even more breakups than other people.

If you want to end a relationship, seriously just have the guts to speak to that person either in-person or over the phone, so they can at least be told directly that you aren't interested anymore. I know that this is a simplification of breakups and relationships, but it all boils down to how you handle the tough situations that come about. Respecting the other person that you are/were involved with is a simple trait that all human beings should possess.

Remember, people are people and sometimes is doesn't work out. And that's okay.

What Would Beyoncé Do?

In our society, women are raised to look for a man. It is expected of us to search desperately for love and to be in relationship after relationship until we find ourselves with someone we want to marry and who wants to marry us. The ultimate goal for a female is to find a man that can be depended on. Women are to look for love.

Men are often taught to play the field and have a good time chasing tail while they're young. Our society tells young men that they should focus on themselves and do what makes them happy.  If a man wants to get married, they are encouraged to wait until they're older. The American education system is even specifically designed for men to succeed, whether you believe it or not. How many CEOs are female in comparison to male? How many doctors, lawyers, scientists, and even astronauts are female compared to male? Men are to look for sex and success.

Women are trained to feel afraid. Afraid that they aren't good enough. Afraid that they will never get married. Afraid that their ass is too fat or too flat. Afraid that they aren't beautiful. Afraid that no one will ever take them seriously. Afraid that they aren't smart enough or too smart. Afraid that they will be called a slut for having the same amount of sexual partners as the average male. Afraid to walk the streets alone at night. Afraid that someone might ask them what they were wearing when they were raped. Afraid that they won't make as much money as their co-worker. Afraid of being too outspoken and be considered a bitch. Afraid to fail. Afraid to try.

From the time that women are just children, we are taught to be modest and quiet. But what happens when I'm a loud, sexual being that happens to be female?  

I was taught what other women were taught, but as I grew older, I disassociated with the authoritative figures who taught me to be these things. To be honest, I never truly viewed my mom as an authority. She punished me from time to time, but mostly she gave me advice. She has made mistakes that I have learned from. At the same time, I have made my own mistakes, and she never said, "I told you so."

In my mother's strong and weak moments, I have learned the kind of woman I want to be.

I never want to bring down another person, but especially a female. Women live a very difficult life in the American culture. Minority and gay women have it even harder, because there are more stereotypes that they have to push against, and many of them feel even less like the "ideal American woman." (Some other cultures are even more disrespectful toward women.) Even the word feminist is often seen as a negative term.

Inside marriages, women are expected to be the homemaker and caretaker. In my marriage, I spend a great deal of my time handling business. I go to school full-time, I have two internships, and a leadership role on campus. I don't have time to cook dinner. I don't have time to do the laundry. On my days off (2 days), I clean and do what I can around the house. I am anything but a housewife.

In Beyoncé's (HAPPY B-DAY!) hit song, "Flawless," she speaks out about feminism. The song features part of a speech (part of the TEDxEuston conference) by Nigerian writer, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, who says:

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, 'You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise you will threaten the man.' Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors – not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are. Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes."

This specific speech and song mean so much to so many women because a strong, confident, successful, hardworking, intelligent, kind woman is standing up for feminism and womankind. (Beyoncé pictured below at the 2014 MTV VMAs during her medley performance, an honor given to her along with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, while 14 million people watched.)

In Adichie's speech, a part not featured in the song, she continues on to say:

"We teach girls shame. 'Close your legs. Cover yourself.' We make them feel as though being born female they're already guilty of something. And so, girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. They grow up to be women who silence themselves. They grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think. And they grow up – and this is the worst thing we do to girls – they grow up to be women who have turned pretense into an art form."

It is our responsibility as a society to smash these rules, expectations, and threats. It is time that every individual is seen as an individual. Yes, men and women are different, but we aren't so different that women should be seen as the lesser.

Think about the women you interact with on a regular basis and review your expectations of them. No human deserves to be dominated or destroyed by societal expectations. Every human deserves kindness and resect. Every human deserves to live a truly free life.