Free Yourself

"He offered her the world; she said she had her own."

I often write about independence in life and in marriage, but I never feel like I get the whole message across in one piece. I find independence so important because of my Feminist beliefs. Women have been expected to be a wife and a mother, but, historically, were rarely expected to achieve success in their own right.

Feminism is the idea and supports the idea that the sexes are equal. I feel that teaching women to be dependent on men diminishes that equality and that tension-filled expectation is completely unfair to both sexes. Many men are expected to “bring home the bacon,” even if they want to spend their life doing charity work or being a stay-at-home dad. This puts unnecessary pressure on the men in our society, which can keep them from reaching their highest potential.

Our society at large supports the notion of women’s dependency, in that women make $0.22 less than every man’s dollar. Our society literally shows us that, socially, culturally, politically, and economically, we are worth less than men and that we are not expected to or granted the ability to thrive on our own.

It seems so rarely expected for a woman to be self-sustaining.

On top of all of that, we have songs and media portrayals that label women who do not work or make as much money as her romantic interest as a “gold-digger,” when women have been told for centuries that their entire life ambition should revolve around being a housewife and caretaker.

Let me squash this quickly: no woman NEEDS a man.

Hell no.

Evan married women do not NEED their husband. In suggesting that all women are dependent on men, we are denying a group of people the intrinsic right of independence. We are born alone. We die alone.

I can and do take care of myself. I make sure that I have food when I am hungry, sleep when I am tired, exercise when I am restless, and that I get my ass up Monday through Friday to work an 8am – 5pm job, so that I CAN provide for myself.

My husband did not earn my college degree or teach me to be strong in moments of difficulty. My experiences in life and the hurdles that I have dominated have taught me that. Only the things that I have endured in my life have led me to where I am.

While in college, my husband was often the only one working. I had jobs here and there, but wasn’t working full-time or part-time for the majority of five years. My stance on independence may puzzle you, since I did rely on my husband’s income for quite some time. I'm sure many people have had their opinions and judged me due to the lifestyle that my husband and I have. We both see that even though I was not making money during that time, I was indeed working toward a secure financial future for myself. In relationships, there should be a sense of teamwork. My husband and I have a joint bank account, but our bills are also in both of our names because the highs and lows of responsibility is OURS to handle.

I love my husband and I look to him for support after a tough day, but I do not depend on his love to carry me throughout my life. I allow his love to make me feel valued inside of our relationship, but my value in the world is much richer and deeper than that.

As young women we have a responsibility to persevere and make something of ourselves on a career-level. Forty years ago, an office workplace was sometimes filled with crude behavior and inappropriate sexual comments toward female employees. Not only was there an unlikelihood for advancement, but the treatment these path-paving, barrier-breaking career women went through should be enough to inspire today’s women to fight via success and achievement.

It is my belief that when you have your own thing: work, projects, hobbies, travels, finances, friends, etc., you end up being happier. I know for me, when I stepped out in college and started running the university’s literary magazine and was tutoring on the University Writing Center, I felt so much more independent. I felt proud of myself for my hard work and achievements.

Each one of us has control over where we go and what we do in our lifetime. As women, why should we ever let ourselves be dwindled down to the roles we play in our household? Obviously, there are women who find true fulfillment in being a housewife, but that doesn't mean that your independence don't matter. We are worth more than what our culture tells us. 

Not only do we owe it the generations of women that came before us, who survived through so much more than what I mentioned above, but we owe it to ourselves and the women who come after us. Stay strong and build your OWN life, in which your destiny is in your own hands.

Thank You, Dylan

To My Husband,

First, I love you. I love you even more than I did the very first moment I knew and more than I did on our wedding day. 

The reason I'm writing this is simply to say thank you. Not only have you had my interests at heart since our very first date, but you've kept me in your heart for almost seven years since then. 

It takes a special kind of man to support his wife's goals and aspirations. Especially when reaching them takes such a long time. You helped me keep my sanity through a million five years in college. You beamed when telling your friends and family that I was going to be getting my degree. You whistled the loudest when I crossed the stage at graduation. You held my hand under the table when we celebrated with my family and friends afterwards. You've always been proud of me.

If it weren't for the sacrifices you made, I wouldn't be where I am today. We made it, babe.

I say thank you for always working hard toward your goals, as well. Just a few days ago we talked about how we got through so many years with so little money. We ate ramen noodles and toast, spaghetti and canned vegetables, and we could hardly afford to buy milk for the entire summer before our wedding. We certainly weren't well-nourished, but we were full of love. 

You never complained. Not once. You kept working hard, even at a job where you were paid a third of what you should have been. Our lives are not measured by how many dollars we have in the bank or our job titles, but they are measured by how hard we work toward success. I am so proud that you never gave up. For years, you spent countless hours reading and learning new programming skills, even though you couldn't apply them to your work until much later. I have watched you make goals, reach them, and make more. We are both so wonderfully blessed to be able to rely on each other's support every day. I am so thankful for and astonished by your passion. 

Now, it's my turn. I will support you while you're taking classes to finish your degree. While we both sacrifice our time together so you can attend classes in the evening. Thank you for being driven to finish what you started 9 years ago. Thank you for being an example to me, and believing in my craft, my art, and my ability. 

We have no choice but to live one day at a time on this little blue dot, but you make every single one of those days special and meaningful. They are all so filled with love and light, passion and respect, honesty and warmth, growth and encouragement, kindness and enchantment. Life is not about the when, the where, the what, but the why. 

And the why that we have always come back to, no matter what, is love. You are my eternal and everlasting force of nature. You guide me in times where I see no clear path ahead. You help me believe in myself. You are the calm and I am the storm. 

You have never given up on me, even when I was restless and unsure of what I wanted for my future. I will never give up on you, even though there will be many sacrifices made while you're working toward an even better future for us. You always fight for me and I will always do the same for you. We are worth the difficult times, the indescribable moments, and all the good fortune that lies ahead. 

Thank you for never counting me out. 

-j

10 Lessons, 5 Years of Marriage

Today, my husband and I leave for our honeymoon to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary this Saturday.  We are making our first trip out of the country together for the best reason: we are in love. In this excitement, I wanted to share just a few of the lessons that I've learned in the past five years. These are things that I find to be of utmost importance and are highly valued in the marriage I have built with Dylan.

1. It’s complicated.

When you spend a good amount of time around someone, you get to know them better than most people. In marriage, you and your partner play a myriad of roles in one another’s life. With that comes some complications. As for me, I know that my husband knows me and what I want, so much so that there are times that I totally forego telling him what my expectations and/or needs are. We get caught up in our busy schedules and forget that our partner doesn’t always know what we want, especially if we aren't direct about it. I can’t simply expect that my husband will know that I want him to pick up my signature Starbucks beverage on the way home from an airport run, but I can TELL him I’d appreciate that. (And hey, he might even grab me my favorite kind of donut, Bavarian cream, which he did this morning!) Communicating effectively allows for simplification. I think that people tend to make their relationships more complicated because they want something really interesting to happen, but a drama-free marriage isn't boring, it’s a happy one. 

2. Marriage has its own life cycle.

You will have good days, bad days, spectacular days, and black days. It happens. All relationships, but particularly marriage, have a natural rise and fall. This ebb and flow is why every relationship a person has doesn’t end in marriage. Even when you do meet the person you can see spending your life with, there will be a flow to your relationship where you will be closer and less-close. What is important, is that when you get less-close, you don't detach. I never want to see the love that I share with my husband die. These changes in your marriage make it stronger in the end, but only if you remember that the bad days will pass. 

3. Making and reaching goals is imperative.

Financially, your spouse is the Clyde to your Bonnie: if you don’t make a plan, you are likely to fail. Something that Dylan and I have been working toward is getting a large sum saved up for the future. We get really excited when we hit another goal, and at the same time, we're ensuring our future. When we were first married, we had very little money because we were so young, but our situation has improved. Even if you are struggling every paycheck, take a small amount to save. Making a promise to yourself and your partner for your future is great for your marriage. I love when I talk to other couples and they can realistically plan what they want to do in the future. If you want a vacation or a new (or second) car or a house or children, financial stability and hopefully, a good credit score are important to attain before doing so. After working toward saving money, we have been able to travel quite a bit and we are finally getting to celebrate our successful marriage with a honeymoon that we couldn't afford five years ago. Trust me, I know that it isn't easy because life happens and, much like in the movie UP, you have to break your Paradise Falls jar every now and then. By creating a plan and following it, we are betting on us. 

4. Your spouse comes first (before all others, including children).

It’s true, I do not have children, but that does not mean that I don't know a thing or two about being a parent. I am certain that the love you have for your partner is much different than what you have for your child/ren, but hear me out when I say that your spouse should ALWAYS come before your child/ren. In order for that child to come into the world, you had to at least know your partner. If you were married before having a child, you clearly loved your partner beforehand, and for people like me, bringing a child into your lives may have been a very calculated decision that you chose. Although not everyone chooses to get pregnant, we do chose to get married. My husband will absolutely always come ahead of any child/ren that we bring into our lives. Dylan completely agrees with me on this and we understand that the responsibilities for a child (safety, education, nurturing, etc.) differs from those in marriage. One day we may move away from our city, one day (if we decide to become parents) our child/ren will be adults, but we will always have each other. I do not put my family above my husband and I do not put my friends above my husband, even though I do love them all. I continue to choose my husband and my marriage everyday. And don't sit there reading this thinking I'm a 1950’s housewife, either because I live my own life. I am independent and clearly have a mind of my own. I just adore my marriage and want to keep it that way. 

5. Expectations are almost always a let-down.

My biggest personal flaw is that I expect too much from others. Five years of marriage and I have just now discovered this. And hole shit, was it a difficult reality check for me. I really don't feel like I expect exuberant actions in all situations, but I have learned that I often come off that way. When I started thinking more about what my high expectations meant, I began to realize that I expect a lot from other people because I expect a lot from myself. I want people to be on time, to put others’ needs before their own, to listen and ask questions, to be open-minded, to be organized and well put-together, and in many ways, want what I want. This isn't just a challenge for me to overcome, but in the meantime, my husband has done quite a lot to be damn near perfect. I am not a perfect wife and I never will be. I am very lucky. I have a faithful, present, loving, accepting, and forgiving husband. He’s perfect in so many ways, so when other wives I know complain about their husband doing this or that, I am easily reminded of that fact that I have a spectacular husband. These expectations that I have, though, have probably shaped Dylan's choices and actions due to my semi-impossible standards. There have been times where it becomes obvious that he’s an imperfect human (just as I honestly want him to be), but not having my expectations met causes me anxiety and disappointment. I am now working on being more relaxed and not expecting too much. You don’t have completely let go of all of your expectations, but they certainly can be made more realistic. We can't expect our marriages to look like a fairytale because those stories aren't real. Life is dirty and inconvenient. In marriage, I have come to understand that it is vital to remember that we are doing our best, even if we aren't perfect. 

6. Take time away from technology.

Dylan and I are millennials, which means that we grew up in a world that was computer savvy and internet-oriented. We love reading and sharing articles online and enjoy our Netflix binges as much as the next person. What many people our age seem to forget is that you have to step away from your technological devices (that includes the television) and spend quality time with your spouse. We make it a point to not watch more than an hour of television per workday, as we like to watch movies on the weekends. We don’t look at our phones while we're on a dinner date. Dylan and I have found so much happiness in doing other things together. We go for long walks on some of our city’s urban trails and parks. We play at least one game of chess every night. We take time to plan our meals and cook together. We listen to music and dance. We have a glass (or bottle) of wine and discuss politics and work events and the meaning of life. We talk about our day and make each other laugh. We unplug from our fucking technology. THIS IS LIFE, not a game, not a way to pass the time. Be joyous and live it. 

7. Go ahead and speak your mind.

“Speak the truth—even if your voice shakes.” - Maggie Kuhn

Even in marriage, you will find that you will disagree on issues that are fundamental to you. I am very strongly opinionated when it comes to my political beliefs. Being a liberal feminist is the most important ideal in my life. I am a defender of women’s rights and equality. When I was younger, I often felt shut down for my opinions, so I didn't discuss them much in my small, mostly-rural community. When I moved to Indianapolis and started college, I began to realize the my voice could and would be heard by those around me. With this, I began doing extensive research on topics I found to be important, even if those ideas were “radical.” Even inside of marriage, there will be issues that you and your partner do not see eye-to-eye. If I am firm, which I am about 95% of the time, in your beliefs, just hear the other person out, but do not forget to debate. Bring issues to the table that you find important. My husband is an anarchist, agnostic cyber nerd who has hitchhiked hundreds of miles to participate in protests. He is who he is, but we still work avidly to learn about each other's point of view on various topics. So do your research and state facts that are relevant. Do not let your emotions get mixed in with your argument, especially if you are trying to sway someone's opinion. If you want to learn or persuade your partner, friend, family member, peer, etc., to see your stance, you cannot be afraid to say what is important to you. It’s okay to disagree, but it isn't okay to throw your conviction in the trash bin. 

8. Give yourself treats to look forward to.

We all go through stressful times: a lot to get done at work, busy schedule, social engagements, household obligations, and  the day-to-day of life in general. I have found it easiest to get through stressful situations just by planning something with my husband as a light at the end of the tunnel. Even really small-scale plans are helpful to keep you focused on what matters most. If you're really stressed, it can help to have something to look forward to, even if it’s just a plan to see a new movie over the weekend to go to an ice cream shop one evening. These plans are a small gift you give to yourself. It’s a lot like making a financial plan in that you allow yourselves to get excited about your future together. Big plans lead to even bigger excitement. Being happy and enthusiastic about your time together shows that your partner takes priority in your life in a fun way.

9. Don’t dig up old dirt.

If you keep coming back to an issue you have in your marriage, it means that you need to work it out. There have been times where something has been brought up in conversation that caused quite a bit of tension for Dylan and I. A hot-button topic would have been brought up casually, but it would upset the other person. When you work something out, you move on from it. If you bring it up, it can cause unneeded conflict. I find it best to just work out problems when we are faced with them. When you ignore an issue, it’s like sweeping dirt under a rug and if you continue to do that, eventually the mound of dirt will get so big that everyone around you will be able to see it except for you two. Bringing up issues that you have laid to rest is like pulling week-old/month-old/year-old pizza out of a dumpster and forcing your spouse to eat it. Just don’t do it, promise?

10. Live on your own timeline.

I saved the best for last with this one. The most valuable lesson I have learned in five years of marriage is that your life isn't going to and doesn’t have to look like the lives of those around you. In American culture, there is a lot of pressure to go to college right after high school and to be married with children by 30. When you are faced with that sort of pressure, you simply must ask yourself, “Is that really what I want?” Yes, I am married with a college degree at 23. My husband is about to go back to college in the fall to get his degree. He is 27. We neither one want children at this point and we're completely fulfilled by being dog-parents. We have looked around at houses, but aren't sure about buying one, since we may move in a few years. This is our life and we have been building it our way. My life has never looked like anyone else’s, so why should I conform to the grand American idealization of the "perfect life" all of a sudden? We will and do have freedoms that my parents and Dylan’s parents did not have. We will not go into debt just to make our life look beautiful from the outside, as it rots on the inside. We are the architects of our marriage, our lives, and our future. 

I am thrilled to have my husband by my side every day of my life. There is so much adventure that awaits us. Five years of marriage seems minuscule in comparison to the many years we are so blessed to have ahead. I love him even more than I did when we were wed and I am awestruck by the possibilities of where our love will take us. 

Let's Talk About Caitlyn Jenner

Everywhere you look online there is something being said about Caitlyn Jenner. I've got much more to say about transgender issues than I do about Cait, so just hear me out.

If you speak in a derogatory manner against anyone who is trans, I'm going to label you as intolerant and transphobic. If you can label so easily, without looking deeper into the issue and what trans people endure, then I feel it's only fair for YOU to be labeled. No matter who it is that you're speaking/posting about, be it Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner, Laura Jane Grace, Chaz Bono,  Jenna Talackova, or the individual you silently passed on the sidewalk whose gender was unidentifiable, remember that it's really none of your fucking business what his/her gender identity is or what his/her biological sex is.

That being said, why is it now, once America's most famous family has a openly transgender member, that transgender issues are being discussed (respectfully, for the most part, but also idiotically) in mainstream media?

How is it that Bruce Jenner (pre-transition, pre-reveal) was mocked and made out to be a joke, but once it was confirmed and Caitlyn Jenner appeared, well wishes of love and acceptance were in the forefront of headlines? 

(This is also urgently imperative: That meme (or memes) you've seen saying that military veteran Noah Galloway was runner-up for ESPN's Arthur Ashe Courage Award, falling behind Caitlyn Jenner, the recipient for the award, is a incorrect.)

It took a beloved American olympic athlete to transition for people to be open minded, which is complete bullshit. I can assure myself and others that a good amount of those same people who praise Laverne Cox and Cait Jenner are the same who wouldn't be "comfortable" sharing a public restroom with a transgendered individual.

(Nevermind that I believe that all bathrooms should be unisex BECAUSE IT IS 2015 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.)

These are the same people who preach that they are an ally to the entire LGBTQ community and yet, feel angry and disgruntled if/when someone asks/assumes that they are a homosexual.

IT IS FAKE.
IT IS DISGUSTING.

When saying that you're accepting of a group of people that may be different than yourself, being assumed to be a member of that group should never embarrass or insult you. (Trust that I personally know individuals just like this, individuals who SAY and PREACH that they are allies and STILL use "gay" as a synonym for stupid or even use that three-letter f-word.)

For example: I am white and I proudly love, accept, and do my best to assist the black community. If someone were to assume that I too were black (despite my obvious exterior), I would never ever be ashamed or outraged. Why is our sex and sexuality treated any differently than this?

There are the "invisible" transgenders of the world and our own country who don't get media coverage or outpouring support on social media for living their truth.

These are the same men and women who are terrified to walk city streets alone at ANY GIVEN TIME OF DAY. These are the people who have been killed or have killed themselves due to an intolerant, ignorant, and hateful culture that surrounds them.

If you are blessed with the opportunity to meet or know someone who is transgender and you are able to truly, fully accept them, you are blessed. Trans issues are complicated, but it's so simple to fill your heart with love. Even if you don't fully understand what they go through (emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially), you have the choice to love them anyway.

We're all just small beings.

I write A LOT about feminism, but remember that transgender issues are also gender issues, too. There have been some small jokes made about Caitlyn's transition asking if she will now make 77% of what she made pre-transition. We jest, but opening the door to discuss LGBTQ issues and tolerance, along with hopefully changing the way that we discuss feminism, women's rights, and gender inequality is what could move your country's culture to an accepting and loving place for all human beings (and animals, as I picket for their rights, as well).

Imagine never feeling at home in your body. Due to weight gain/weight loss, I've felt exactly this on a muchmuchmuchmuch smaller scale. I'm goddamn lucky to know that I am female, inside and out. I will never endure the trauma that transgender individuals do on any level, but I can do my best to replace yet another hating heart and misunderstanding mind with love, compassion, kindness, warmth, friendship, and respect.

College, Pt. 2

In college, we all meet so many new people that we often feel like we have to make quick judgements to see who we want to spend time getting to know. It's impossible to regularly hang out with all the friends you make. You see who those who are charming, unique, and those with similar interests as friends. Within that, there is a hierarchy of friendship.

So, yes, I understand why people label others. My peers have asked me the craziest questions about my personal life; about when I will have children (if they didn't already assume I had children), if my husband was my first boyfriend (even though I'm very open about my past and the fact that I like to "try before I buy"), if I'm "allowed" to go out to bars (with OR without my spouse), how I'm a feminist if I married so young, etc.

I don't like these labels or questions because I don't impose these on others according to their relationship status.

I know plenty of single parents.
I know a few people who have never been in a relationship or have been with the same person since high school.
I am "allowed" to go to bars because that's where my friends and I like to hang out, sometimes.
I'm a feminist, first and foremost.

During college, I feel like I've always had to debunk marriage myths. I wouldn't call Dylan and I a traditional couple or old-fashioned in any way. We have our own hobbies, our own friends (who overlap, sometimes), our own cars, our own creative spaces in our apartment, our own go-to lunch groups; we have a lot of space to be ourselves without the influence of the others over what we're doing or working on.

Some people have suggested that marriage keeps you from having fun, but I have just as much fun married as I did when I was single, if not more. I have my best friend that I can do anything with. We're spontaneous, so at the drop of a hat, we're going on adventures or dates or arranging plans with friends. And as those who hang out in the "Green Room" (aka our living room) already know, we can throw some kickass parties.

What college has given us as a couple, is the ability to be educated in worldly matters, discuss our points of view, which aren't always the same, and gain independence through challenging ourselves and each other. Freedom and independence are key to any marriage, but especially if you're busy with school and/or work.

Among my closest friends, I'm still known to be a little irreverent. I make crude jokes, I swear, and I'll let you know (quite politely) if I disagree with you. I laugh until I cry, drink until I puke, and sing until my voice is hoarse.

Nothing about who I am has been decided or based around being married. I charm. I out-wit. I educate. I challange. I create. I understand. I find beauty in every single day. I work hard. These all come from always striving to be the best version of myself: for me, most of all, and for my husband.

I went to college so that I could become more knowledgeable, in order to make a difference in society with the intelligence that I was naturally given. The more educated I became, the more compassionate I became. I earned my degree because of MY hard work and here's a cold, hard fact:

More people ask me about my marriage than about my education. 

No one asks what classes I took or am taking.
Everyone asks me how long I've been married.
No one asks me how many jobs I have, while carrying on my full-time class schedule.
Everyone asks me how old I was when I got married.
No one asks me how many hours in the day I'm at work, in class, or doing homework.
Everyone asks me how I met my husband.
No one asks me what my GPA is or how many times I've been on the Dean's List.
Everyone asks me what my husband does and if he went to college.
No one asks me if I'm more educated than my husband, which I am.
Everyone asks me how much money my husband makes.

Everyone questions information I give them that I learned in classes I've taken, classes I've soaked up the material, subjects that I know much more of than the average person. 

And everyone Googles facts, because they aren't ever sure if I'm right. Even with a college degree. 

What did I learn about being married in college?
My life, and especially my marriage, are not impacted by or reliant upon the opinions of others.

Post-college, I hope the world offers me the same opportunities that I worked five years for in college. I hope that an employer won't notice my wedding ring in and interview. I hope that my (future) co-workers don't judge me for being married, but for the hell-of-a-lot I bring to the table.

No longer a married girl in college, but forever a married girl.
xo

College, Pt. 1

With my college days coming to an end in less than a week and I've really happy with all that I've accomplished. I have also been thinking about statements that people have said to me about being married in college, which is why I deemed myself as "That Married Girl."


"I couldn't be married in college... I just wouldn't want to be tied down. I want to be able to do whatever I want." 

While in college, I've done just about everything: IU School of Liberal Arts Student Ambassador, tutoring in the University Writing Center, being an Editor before becoming Managing Editor for genesis Literary and Art Magazine, service learning, on- and off-campus volunteering, Greek life, IU School of Education's Student Council, a few different major changes, a few different jobs that weren't related to my career, just to name a few. ;)

Why is it that I've worked my ass off, proving my ability and talent in several different areas of my career, and yet people still believe that marriage means being limited?

No, I don't have much time to do gourmet cook or sew or do laundry, but with my aforementioned schedule, I doubt I'd have time for much recreational activity, but that's not because I'm married.

Yes, I have plenty of time for friends, family, travel, work, exercise, and my education, all while maintaining a fulfilling and rewarding marriage.

No, as a single or dating college student, you do not have more opportunities for sex than I do.

Yes, I do do whatever I want with my time, my body, and my life, but with some consideration for my husband's happiness at the same time.


"When are you having baaaaaaaabies? You two would be great parents."

Notice how no one ever really asks me if I want to have children, but simply when I will have them. I think this assumption is unfair. I've talked with my husband about this at great length, just to see if/how much he gets pressured to become a parent. As far as I know, people have only asked if he currently has children and when he says, "no," they typically drop the subject.

The subject of motherhood is all too often another way our culture pushes women into the archaic ways of life where a woman's worth equated to her ability to bear and raise children; a common topic of discussion for feminists in a society where we're already undervalued.

There's this huge amount of pressure that's put on women to have children, but who can really say that parenting is for me or that I would be a "great parent" when I've had very little experience with children. I don't find myself to be maternal, even though I do try to take care of my friends and have an inviting home where my friends feel comfortable. Just because I'm good at reading, good at planning meals and parties, feel comfortable giving advice to others when it is useful, enjoy spending time discussing ways we can make the world better, have feminine qualities and the biological equipment to give birth, does not mean that I want to be a parent or would be good at doing so.

Just because I am married doesn't mean that I haven't completely become who I am or who I will be in the rest of the years of my life. I'm still trying to get an understanding of who I am and what it is that I want in life; how I'm going to suck the marrow out of life, if you will. My husband and I don't depend on each other, contrary to the popular belief that once you're married you lose your identity. Simply put, I'm young and I haven't got it all figured out just yet.


"This is Jenn. She's married."

I come back to this little quote from my first post.

I am Jenn. It's that simple.

The fact that I'm married at 23 does not define who I am, what I like, where I go, what I say, what I wear, or how I live my life. I am a human being and the fact that I'm "taken" does not mean that I am not flirty or fun, that I am a prude or unfriendly, that I am not a feminist or thinking for myself, etc.

It means that I am Jenn, a free-spirited wild child, with a college degree (almost) who has been married since before she started college almost 5 full years ago. I'm just an in-love married girl, living life the best way I know how.

The Power Struggle

Recently I've spent some time thinking about instances of controversy in my work life. In nearly all the jobs I've had, there have been moments of tension or discomfort between a co-worker and myself. This seems pretty natural to me, as one won't have great chemistry with everyone they work with. But as I was analyzing these conflicts, all pretty minor, I soon realized that all these situations or issues were with a female co-worker.

I'm not writing about this to throw shade at these women, but to raise an important question: Why are (some) women quick to be threatened by another woman's position of power or try to "overpower" a female co-worker?  

For the past (school) year, I have been at the top of an organization, where those who have the same job title as I do are men. I have a second job, where I am basically at entry-level, the same as my co-workers. Yet, the only people who have challenged my work or position have been female.

My generation of millennials often discuss and support feminism, and yet we falter to the same issue as generations before ours. Its so strange that women, the protectors, advocates, and progressors for feminism, are often the sex that acts the least feminist.

TO show how prevalent this is in American culture, let's time travel back to 2004, when Mean Girls came into our lives:

I love Mean Girls as much as the next person, maybe more. Let's remember that this movie is a comedy, which exaggerated behaviors of teen girls at the time. 

Nothing in this movie is a problem and we all find it so funny because we can all relate to some aspect of the storyline. (Not to mention the genius of Tina Fey & Co.) There is, however, a big problem with this film, as it shows fugly truths about our culture. 

As if the constant slut-shaming wasn't enough... Women slut-shame women just as much as men do. Ok, that's ridiculous. How is it that patriarchal ideas and behaviors seeped into the lives of women? 

Women have a strong desire to be viewed and treated as equals, but when we begin to adapt cultural traits that are often anti-women or uphold the idea that men are, for some reason, better than women. This is applicable to the workforce, as well. I never thought that I would receive the most undeserved negativism. I know that I'm not the only woman who has experienced these things.

To work toward fixing this issue, women must be kinder to one another. It's hard enough for women to be respected, to find a good job where you get paid even 3/4ths of what a man in the same position makes, to attain a degree, to not be made fun of when she's having a bad day, to know that people value your intelligence more than your looks (which hardly ever happens, it seems), or a multitude of other behaviors and beliefs that control at least half of our nation's population.

Honestly, I have probably heard and equal amount of slut-shaming coming from men and women, but I've never had a man act as if threatened by my job title. Everything I have gained in college has been earned, not given. 

When I was younger, I was close-minded and ignorant in some ways, one in which I was fine with slut-shaming and even sometimes condemning of a woman expressing/accepting her sexuality. As soon as I understood what I was saying in this and the negative impacts it could have on other people, I stopped. Men have been granted permission by our culture (compiled by both men and women *gasp*) to embrace and flaunt their sexuality.  

America, I think its time to move past the misogyny, already. 

People are people are people. Black, white, tan, purple, blue, green, gay straight, bi, lesbian, trannsexual, asexual, queer, non-gendered, polyamorous, tall, short, thick, thin,  rich, poor, WHATEVER. We all deserve to be treated with the same kindness and respect you would show to Abraham Lincoln. 

It's only fair. 

Who knows if this double standard will die in our lifetime, but I hope I see the day. There are great people in this country who are put down or who put others down regularly. Life is temporary. Being selfish isn't going to get you any closer to eternity than the rest of us. Mortality is our (and the rest of life on this entire earth's) reality.

Humanity must change before we all become cold, shiny, hard plastic. 

Perks of Traveling "Single"

I just visited Seattle without my husband for 5 days.

For some people, this may not seem like something noteworthy, but since the day we moved in together (my 18th birthday, 5+ years ago), we had never spent more than two sleeps apart at a time. (I was supposed to be away from him for 10 sleeps last summer, but my family exploded and I came home.) 

I was nervous at first; flying, public transportation, wandering about a new city, and experiencing all sorts of new things. All without Dylan, my best friend. Of course, I missed him while he was back home in Indianapolis, mainly because I like to share new experiences with him, but I gained something new with his absence. 

When I met a new person, hit a cool restaurant, or smelled some ganja in the air, I wanted to see the look of thrill on my husband's face. But as I went along doing these things, I felt less and less tethered to the low-key disappointment of him missing out on the adventure of such events. 

I took them in. Just for me.

As I went along, I felt more and more like a lone being. I haven't felt singular for such a long time, but I still felt comfortable. 

Honestly, I hardly thought about my husband, other than when I saw street art. For me, within my marriage, it has been difficult at times to consider that there is a world of my own out there, that doesn't contain Dylan. Of course, when I'm in class or working on my art or tutoring, I'm alone in my world. I know that our universes simply overlap, as they are not simply one and the same. 

Yes, of course, I adore traveling with my husband. We always have so much fun on our trips, but I came to value an experience (grand and happy) that will be private in most ways. I love having him by my side, creating memories together that will last forever. (Or until we slip into dementia...)  On my own, I took a city into my heart, learned it, and let it change me. I have my own memories to look back on; I know the vibe of Seattle, the smell, the kindness of its strangers, the quaint surprises that lie just another block down, all of which belong to just me. 

People always say, "I'm single because I want to be able to do whatever I want," which I HATE. As if you can't travel across the county on your own once you're married...

So here I am. I did a scary and exciting thing by traveling without my love. I gave myself a gift of exploration and self-discovery, simply within a different context. No, I didn't go to fall in love with a Seattleite, as a truly single gal may have, but I did fall in love with Seattle.

Where is the Love?

If you don't know this by now, I live in Indiana. This past week has been filled with broken hearts and anger toward our state legislators. There has been a bill passed that will be signed today by the governor, giving business owners the right to discriminate and refuse service to members of our communities in the name of "religious freedom."

If we are to love those around us, shouldn't we treat them the way we'd want to be treated? Certainly, these lawmakers wouldn't want to be denied service for being white or male or Christian or wealthy, so why would they allow homosexuals to be denied service at a place of business? 

Where is the love for Hoosiers? ALL HOOSIERS?

In our nation's history, legal discrimination became an epidemic in the 1870's, well over 100 years ago. Even this disgusts me, as an individual should not be mistreated, inhumanly degraded in the name of the law OR in the name of the Lord. It is absurd to consider denying goods and/or services a member of the community, a law-abiding citizen, a neighbor, an individual who would not turn someone away from their business for his/her beliefs or personal life because of their sexual orientation. 

When religious people share their beliefs, many people listen even if they disagree. In my experience, it seems that the people who do the most hateful things are those who hide behind their religion to do so. 

Now, I'm no church-goer. I choose to live my life in the context of a personal relationship to my spirituality and I will never condemn another for choosing a religious lifestyle, but...

I also believe that the being(s) that decide our fate in the afterlife are built on LOVE.

To use a Bible, a sect of Christianity, a church to spread now-lawful hatred of those around you... well, that's just not very "Christian," is it? My sister, Stephanie always says, "The Bible says 'love your neighbor as yourself,' 'all sins are equal,' and 'do not judge, for you will be judged.'" 

It doesn't sit well with me that Indiana legislators are allowing Christianity to oppress a specific group of people. (And I DO say CHRISTIANITY because I am unaware of any non-Christian legislators.) I also know no business owners of a non-Christian faith that would deny goods/service to anyone for any reason. Many of my conservative, Christian friends will say that this bill is a basic right and a protection of their religion, but how can someone deny service to someone who simply sins differently than them? We all lie, we all sin. Using the law to defend bigotry is wrong and EVIL. Next, Indiana will allow individuals to commit hate-crimes in the name of their God. This bill is a slippery slope that also perpetuates stereotyping in our already close-minded state. You cannot tell if someone is a homosexual just be how they look or how they talk or how they dress. This bill allows individuals to make a snap judgement with the law to support them. 

Yes, we are one nation, but 'under God' is overrated when religion is used as a tool to fuel a fire of discrimination and oppression. There are laws to protect some individuals, but in this time, in the face of a new civil rights movement, we MUST protect and support members of our LGBTQ community. 

As American citizens we also have this wonderful right given to us, the power to vote. If you do not vote, you DO NOT MATTER. Your voice will continue to be silenced if you do not raise it yourself. YOUNG PEOPLE: VOTE, DAMN IT! Let's email, call, and protest. Let's be a radical generation in the name of what we stand for: love. 

If we fill this state and this nation and this world with love, kindness, compassion, understanding, tolerance, and respect, these issues won't be issues. Radiating love is a lot more powerful than harnessing hatred. 

Where

is

the

love?

What Growing Up in the 90's Taught Me

Having been born in 1992, I didn't exactly get the full and complete 90's experience, but some of my best memories come from that time in my life. I was just a kid, I felt free from the expectations that the world later thrusted upon me. What I remember most about that decade, other than the fashion trends...?

I remember the music.

The first song that I can remember hearing was Waterfalls by TLC. I loved it, and thus my interested in music began. I look back and I can still see myself sitting in the backseat as my mom drove, listening to the radio. 

So many powerful, fond memories of that music, especially in the late 90's: Destiny's Child, TLC, Alanis Morissette, Spice Girls, Melissa Etheridge, Shania Twain... Notice that these are all women. 

I was discussing this with my friend Shelby today and I said that with the music that was popular during our childhood, how could a 90's kid grow up without being a feminist in adulthood. 

Let me re-iterate:

Feminist (noun) - a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. 

No man-hating here, obviously. This married girl even prefers the company of men in many situations, but as I've gotten older, I've seen more and more men my age becoming less feminist. Why do people still use these words: bitch, slut, whore, pussy, skank, 'stitute, hoe, etc.? All of these terms degrade women in some way or another, especially when used by a woman.

During my time listening to music in/from the 90's, which I still do to this very day, I was born into feminism. Why? The messages that were sent streaming across airwaves were powerful and showed a true respect and understanding for the women in the world. 

The standard of beauty for women: 

"Never insecure until I met you... I used to be so cute to me, just a little bit skinny. Why do I look to all these things to keep you happy? Maybe get rid of you and then, I'll get back to me..." -"Unpretty," TLC 

The expectation that a woman is "lucky" to have a man, any man:

I don't want your number (no), I don't want to give you mine and (no),  I don't want to meet you nowhere (no), I don't want none of your time and (no)." -"No Scrubs," TLC

The double-standard for cheating:

"Any other day, I would call, you would say, 'Baby, how's your day?' But today, it ain't the same, every other word is 'Uh huh,' 'Yeah, okay.' Could it be that you are at the crib with another lady? If you took it there, first of all let me say: I am not the one to sit around and be played."  -"Say My Name," Destiny's Child

"Is she perverted like me? I bet she'd make a really excellent mother... And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back, I hope you feel it... I'm here to remind you of the mess you left when you ran away. It's not fair to deny me of the cross I bear that you gave to me."  -"You Oughta Know," Alanis Morissette 

Being a woman can be a lot of fun:

"No inhibitions, make no conditions, get a little outta line.  I ain't gonna act politically correct, I only want to have a good time."  -"Man! I Feel Like A Woman," Shania Twain

The complexities of being a woman in a man's world (unfortunately):

So take me as I am. This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man. Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous and I'm going to extremes, tomorrow I will change and today won't mean a thing. I'm a bitch, I'm a lover, I'm a child, I'm a mother, I'm a sinner, I'm a saint--I do not feel ashamed--I'm your hell, I'm your dream, I'm nothing in between... I'm a tease, I'm a goddess on my knees. When you hurt, when you suffer, I'm your angel undercover. I've been numb, I'm revived, can't say I'm not alive. You know I wouldn't want it any other way"  -"Bitch," Meredith Brooks

Now, it's not just my mother that I have to thank for making sure important feminist-messages were getting to me from a very young age, but the women who expressed them. I've wondered if I was born in the right time period, as we all do, but recently, I have discovered that I definitely was. I can be a key aspect of a revolution.

At the end of the day, we're all human, we're all equal, and I have the 90's to thank for that message. 

8 Reasons Why Married Sex is the Best Sex

Our culture loves sex. Sex in in the media, advertisements, music, art, politics, literature, television, and movies. Most Americans think about the idea or the act of sex at least every day. Let's face it, I think about sex, in one way or another, about every three minutes, simply because it is fascinating. 

Now, before we start this countdown, let me say that this list isn't just about married sex, but about having a committed sex partner for an extensive period of time. It doesn't magically become the best sex of your life because you have a legal document that has been signed. This also means that I don't see premarital sex as immoral in any way. 

><  ><  ><  ><  ><

1. You get to know yourself.

It's awfully hard to get to know your sexual needs and desires when you're not having very much sex. When you have a long-term partner, it is easy to figure yourself out because you get so many trial-runs. Figuring out who you are as a sexual being is key to satisfaction. 

2. You get to know your partner. 

This can never be a bad thing. Being able to satisfy your partner is really an ego-boost. They know that you care about what they enjoy and what they desire, but you also pick up some pretty cool go-to techniques over time. 

3. Communication. 

Adequate communication in the bedroom leads to adequate communication in other aspects of your relationships. You find a way to express your needs and wants in a manner that allows discussion. Just as it is with sex, you can't demand your partner to do exactly what you want, when you want it. You can make a request, figure out the ground rules, etc. Being able to communicate well is really where the foundation of successful relationships lies. If you two aren't on the same page, either in life or in between the sheets, you'll soon find that neither one of you will be satisfied. 

4. No awkward the-morning-after situations. 

When you're committed, the worst thing about the morning after is that you have morning-breath. And the best part? Morning sex. You don't have to worry about finding your clothes or sneaking out of his/her place or leaving your phone number on their nightstand or a meaningless "this is my last night in town/the state/the country" hook-up. There's no awkwardness and sometimes, if you're lucky, your significant other will make you breakfast. #perks

5. They'll call you back. 

Well, shit. Who really wants the person they exchanged bodily fluids with to talk to them again? ...oh, yeah, NORMAL PEOPLE. Relationships aren't, or shouldn't be, about the chase. It's not a game when your mind, heart, and body are a major factor to be considered by your partner. A lot of us have had a one-night-stand, which can be a good 'ol time, especially if you know the person in another context (meaning a pre-existing human relationship that won't be ruined by having sex), but having an empty encounter with someone you never knew before and never will know is kind of degrading. Lowering your self-worth to get down and dirty just isn't going to make your sex life better. 

6. Practice makes perfect. 

I've said this to countless fraternity guys and I'll say it again: As a married girl, I have more sex than you. (You = single person.) I have sex whenever I want, which most uncommitted individuals can't say. Being in a relationship means that you can go and go and go until you can't go anymore. For the other upsides of being able to have a ton of sex, see numbers 1-3, 7, and 8. ;) Eventually, even if you are/were terrible in bed to begin with (it's a-ok and pretty normal), you will get better, just like you (hopefully) got better at driving a car. Better sex leads to compliments on performance and that leads to more self-confidence. Win-win.  

7. You can explore. 

You wanna do it in the car? A public place? A blanket under the stars? A tent on the beach? You name it, you probably can or will have sex there. Not to mention all the ways... "Let me count the ways!" You get the point, kids. Trust is vital to sexual exploration, which is why experimentation is the very best in long-term romances. 

8. It keeps getting better. 

The thrill is in the how, not the who. I can honestly say that the guy I get to have sex with is my best friend and I am more in love with that fella everyday. This makes our bond tighter: as teammates, as lovers, as friends, as encouragers, as spouses. We grow and progress every time we come together to physically express our love. 

><  ><  ><  ><  ><

If you're single, have fun in your sex life (if you're having any) and if you're in a realtionship, let your DAMNGOODSEX lead you down the trail of complete and utter bliss. Don't use sex as a weapon, let sex allow you to ignore what you need to work on inside of yourself, or have sex because someone tells you/make you feel like you have to. Do have safe sex, especially if you don't have a monogamous partner. Sex is natural and invigorating, so enjoy the time you have on this little planet and get yours. 

How to Break All the Rules (and Get Away With It)

The people who have the most adventures in this life are the people who break the most rules.

Of course, we all have an idea of what the rules are in American society, but with the rise of the Millennial generation, that dusty old rulebook is being thrown out the window.  I was born in 1992, which means I was born exactly in the middle of my generation. I've heard news sources claiming that our generation (ranging from those in their early 30's to those in their early teens) are ruining our country.

What people who make these accusations don't understand is that we don't care.

I am certain that my generation has no importance held in the ramblings of old white men. We are the revolution. I see my generation in a positive light, not only because I am a Millennial, but because we are loving, accepting, and forgiving. We break the rules.

Unlike many people in generations before us, I have yet to see anyone blame other generations for the downfalls that they have certainly added to society. What is it that Millennials do differently?

To me, it seems that we aren't willing to sacrifice true happiness in order to adhere to the asinine rules that have been built into our society. We want to learn, create, travel, inspire, lead, give, develop, and change. More than any before us, we find comfort in taking risks.

I say this all the time, but I'll say it again: I can't wait for Millennials to begin running for office, starting businesses, and stepping out of the mind-set that America is the end-all, be-all; the great thing about this list is that some of us have already accomplished some of these things!

Don't take what I just said out of context, either. America is a strong country, but we can definitely learn more about handling the economy, civil rights/equality, education, and keeping the peace from other nations on this teensy little planet.

What a crime it is to believe that we are only where we are. It is vital to remember that within the context of the entire universe, and universes beyond ours, we are miniscule. Our lives mean next-to-nothing, which is terrifying for so many (including myself) but it is also freeing. 

So, how do we break the rules?

Be you. Wear what you want, laugh at what you want, say what you want, create what you want, love who you want, eat what you want, go where you want, drink what you want, vote for who you want, read what you want, shave what you want, buy (or don't buy) what you want (or don't want), have sex with who ever (and how many ever) you want, write what you want, smoke what you want, support and fight for what you want, be whoever you want to be. 

Rules are there to make people afraid. To be fearless is the best example for future societies and generations. Do not perpetuate hate and evil just to keep up with our culture. You get away with breaking this rules by destroying this concept of societal rules and not allowing them to define you, your worth, or your happiness. 

Fuck normal. We are born weird. 

Baby, It's Cold Outside

Here in Indiana, all that we're talking about is the temperature. When I left for work this morning, it was -6° and it is currently 3°.

So, what do we do when it's cold? We still go to work and classes, but when we get home, most of us hit the bed in order to stay warm. We huddle and cuddle to keep from losing our sanity.

When it's this cold, you can't enjoy time outside and don't have a lot of "me" time, since it can actually be dangerous to brave the icy temperatures. Cabin fever can be a legitimate concern, for some people.

If I could, I would find Elsa and slap her.

It is a damn challenge to "let it go" when your fingers are frozen.

Now, the cold doesn't just affect our bodies, but it affects our mind and mood. For those who live alone and don't go outside, there can be psychological effects from isolation. Yes, loneliness can drive you insane. (In the U.S. prison system, solitary confinement, a cruel and unusual punishment if you ask me, can only be used for 14 days at a time because humans are social creatures who need human interaction.) 

The best way to beat boredom is to find things inside to do. Be it cook, exercise, play games, read a book, clean, listen to music and dance, watch Netflix, talk to/Skype with a good friend, play with your pet, take a hot bath with a glass of wine, rearrange furniture, or really turn up the heat with some steamy sexy-time, there are ways to enjoy yourself on a blustery, freezing day. 

It's so easy to be an outright grump when the temperatures drop and I think that is because there is less likelihood for adventure. The best kind of thrill you can honestly get in the winter months is if you have a snowball fight or your car slides on ice. Let's face it, that second one is more terrifying that adventurous. 

So, I've made myself a promise. 

After this year, I'm breaking up with winter indefinitely.

To better myself and grow, I feel that I need the entire calendar year to seek my great perhaps. I need to have a breeze (that doesn't freeze me) in February. I need a hike in December. I need to not be forced into wearing anything warmer than a sweatshirt in January. There is nothing, not even a couple of week-long vacations, that will satisfy my desire to become unattached to my surroundings (the place I've lived the majority of my life) and attain a greater purpose. I am not where I live. I am not a Hoosier. 

I am me.

With that being said:

To my future-self,

Instead of just talking about it, go do it. You'll thank me later.

The "I Do"s

Think about the last wedding you attended. There may have been pre-ceremony drinks, there were probably beautiful bridesmaids and handsome groomsmen. A dapper groom and a gorgeous bride. My favorite aspect of weddings? The vows.

The best vows are sentimental, honest, love-filled, hopeful, and written from scratch by the nearly-newlyweds. Sometimes these vows hold jokes that lead to laughter, themes that spark glee, or promises that inspire love and inevitably, tears blossom. No matter the way that the bride and groom exchange the words which build to the "I do"s, they are among the most meaningful messages shared between a couple. These words begin a marriage.

In light of the love-filled holiday that I personally adore, Valentine's Day, I want to share the vows I wrote with all of my Marys!

I held back tears of joy and screams of delight while reading:

I, Jennifer, affirm my love for you, Dylan, as I invite you to share my life. You are the most intelligent, handsome, and caring person I have ever known, and I promise always to respect and love you. With kindness, selflessness, and trust, I will work by your side to create a wonderful life together. Your heart and mind inspire me to be the best person I can be. I vow to comfort you, encourage you, and honor you, remain faithful to you, and cherish you as long as we both shall live. 

I look back to the time before our wedding and I remember writing these words. To me, they were never just expressions of what I hoped to give to my husband, but they were representations of all that we had overcome and all that we would slay.

Most of all, I strive everyday since I proclaimed this message to uphold the vows I made. After all this time, I still feel as if those words were not just a commitment, but an oath that I choose to endorse on the bad days, where we are both busy and exhausted, as well as on the good days, where tears fill my eyes because of the love in my heart, days where he races to be by my side.

That's what it's all about. Being recklessly, fervidly, passionately in love.

To Dylan: I hope that I fulfill these promises and affirm my love, OUR love all the days of our life together. I can only hope that I make you feel the way you make me feel: like the sun in the center of y(our) universe.

Do What Scares You

In life and love, the happiest and most successful people are those who took risks. Trust me, I know how terrifying risks can be, but in truth, if you aren't afraid of it, is it worth doing at all?

People tend to play it safe more often than not, which means that we're stunting our growth as human beings simply because we're afraid. I suppose if you try something new and it doesn't work out, there are bad things that could happen, but wouldn't it be better to have tried, failed, and learned?

Of course human nature tells us to be careful, to choose behaviors that aren't risky in order to survive. It's evolution. We learn and adapt. It's true that we shouldn't eat hotdogs, macaroni and cheese, Cheetos, and soda for every meal because that would lead to an unhealthy body and likely an early death.  We shouldn't smoke a carton of cigarettes, binge drink, or shoot heroin. Duh, right? Science and our biological instinct has given us more than enough information to make sure that we are healthy, physically. What is lacking here is risk for the sake of achieving a goal that will improve your life, or risk for the sake of love. Taking those kinds of risks just seem natural.

Duh... right?

All I've heard in recent years is "I don't want to get hurt" or "I'm not going to deal with trying to date in my early 20's because every guy/girl just plays games" or "I just don't have time for a relationship." What I actually take from these statements: "I'm scared."

To me, these sorts of excuses are equivalent to saying, "I don't want to leave my house because I may get a sunburn." It means that young people are scared to death of something that could very well happen, but if it does, it will only hurt for a little while, something that will be but a distant memory in time. This is also the equivalent to saying, "I'm not going to go to that job interview because I may not get the job."

Baby, we're just born into risky business. It means insane to do something that scares you while you're actually doing it, but in hindsight, you'll see it was worth it.

Look at me: I moved in with my then-boyfriend at midnight on my 18th birthday (not completely for romantic reasons, but still), which let me tell you, was fucking SCARY. I had no security net, no money, no car, and no high school degree (yet). I placed all my chips on the bet that my love would not fail. I married that man, another risk seeing as how the divorce rate is more than 50%.

I also took a risk changing my major three times just to be a writer. (Writing is also a very risky career path, as there is no work/job/money guaranteed.) You either have to be bold or be boring, and there is NOTHING in life that is worse than being a bore. Live fantastically and tell your tales to your grandchildren. How do you expect exciting things to happen without looking at that thing that scares the hell out of you and saying, "Try me." Life isn't measured by the mistakes we make or how many times we fail, but it is in how we charge on, fearlessly.

Be brave, the whole world is waiting for you.

The Catcall

If you are a woman in the United States, it is very likely that you have been catcalled. In the media recently, there has been a lot of discussion of these actions that men, albeit not ALL men, take part in. Ironically enough, the catcaller seem to think that women should enjoy a compliment or suggestive comment, but let's just take a look at the definition:

Catcall (noun) - a shrill, whistle-like should to loud raucous shout make to express disapproval.

I wasn't aware that catcalling is literally a negative behavior before I did a little research. Many women feel objectified when being catcalled. I agree.

Personally, I have had several strange men catcall me. On the street, on my college campus, in traffic, and... Target. Seriously, Target. Getting catcalled in the middle of a crowded Target was mortifying. A very loud, direct, "DAMN BABY, CAN I HAVE A RIDE?" sparked this post. I didn't reply to the man who said that to me, but I wish I would have.

As I mentioned before, women have been realizing the problem with catcalling. In this video, a young woman, dressed in everyday attire gets catcalled time after time in a 10-hour experiment, walking about New York City, where she resides. Some viewers have said, "Well, telling someone to smile isn't harassment," "Calling a beautiful woman beautiful isn't a catcall," "She doesn't have to be so rude," and other similar comments. Why do these comments make me upset?

When a man walks down the street, does he get catcalled?

If a woman isn't interested in some stranger, does it seem appropriate for a man to make sexual comments in her direction? No. Is a sexually explicit comment made by a stranger threatening to an American woman? Yes.

Why? 1 in 4 college women are sexually assaulted.

That time I got screamed at in the middle of Target, I was in the store alone, just checking to see if there was a product in-stock. My husband was in the car and I told him what had *just* happened. He asked me if I responded. I told him no.

I'm ashamed of that.

Dylan said, "If there was any public comment ever made to you that deserved your reaction or commentary, it was that one." So, what would I have said to that man?

"Even if I was single and interested, I would never give you the attention you're looking for because your level of disrespect toward ALL women by saying that to me shows that you're nothing but product of the American patriarchy." 

Women need to defend themselves from this objectification. It is disgusting and degrading. If we begin to teach men not to do this, correct them if/when they do, we have the ability to change the future for women. This doesn't necessarily mean that the pigs of the country won't stop doing it, but as a society, we must transform the way that those men see us. Women are a minority and this ongoing catcalling proves that. If you get catcalled, remember: it isn't a compliment, it is an insult. Take it as such, be strong, stand your ground, and put that man in his place.

We aren't bitches. We aren't dogs.
We are women. We are human beings.

Opposites Attract: Marriage and Feminism

Over the course of history, marriage has had all different connotations. Yes, it means the legal and spiritual (or religious) union of two people, but for centuries before we were born and even before our grandparents were born, marriage strongly was associated with ownership.

Women would be auctioned off, in some cases. Before a man could marry another man's daughter, he would often have to agree to an exchange of goods. Three chickens, a cow, gold, or other items would be traded for the daughter's hand in marriage. Women were seen as property, a commodity. These new wives would often have children very soon; if the child was a boy, he would be raised to help in whatever business the husband was in, if the child was a girl, she would later be traded for something of value, as her mother was.

Seems vile, right? As if these women weren't people at all, but just another form of currency.

Obviously, the situation of marriage has changed over the years. but in some cases, women are still viewed as property or "baby-makers" who cook and clean. So why do I see the history of marriage to be an opposite of feminism?

Feminism (noun) - the belief of social, economic, and political equality of the sexes.

If women weren't viewed as people, they clearly were not viewed as equal to men. This small idea alone is why it blows my mind that all people, but especially women, do not identify as feminists. Even pop singer, Katy Perry doesn't call herself a feminist:

"I am not a feminist, but I do believe in the strength of women."

Now why is this a problem? To not be a feminist (or a believer of sexual equality) is to say that you could very possibly believe: that it is okay for a man to own a woman through marriage, that it is okay for a man to beat a woman because she is his property, that it is okay for women to be raped, that it is okay for women to only be valued to bare children or prostitute herself for the sexual pleasure of men, that it is okay to force a woman to carry and give birth to a child against her choice, that it is okay for women do be denied specialized healthcare (gynecological exams, mammograms, psychological treatment, etc.,) that is it okay for women to be denied higher education and a subsequent career, that it is okay for women to be denied the right to vote, own property, and have her own bank account, that it is okay for women to believe that this is all okay.

...see the problem?

Luckily, there are male feminists. *GASP* Somewhere along the line, a man stood up and said, "Ho-ly shit! This just isn't right. My wife is person, with a mind and a life of her own!" This post began as a look into the lack of feminism in marriage throughout history, but it has turned into a look into a world without feminism.

Marriage is founded on mutual love, but these unions are nothing without mutual respect, too. Feminism is applicable to all aspects of daily life, which should certainly make each and every human being an advocate for feminism and equality.

To the Left, To the Left...

When we get our hearts broken, it often seems that the first thing that friends, family, co-workers, etc. will say is, "Ah, well there are plenty of fish in the sea!" Even Beyoncé says that no one should ever think that they're irreplaceable.

I agree and disagree.

Sure, it's an option for most people to pick their head up and move on to their next love interest. I advise my friends all the time to stay out there in the game, as you can never plan when and how you will meet the person that you may have a long-term partnership with. It's important not to be afraid of going outside your comfort zone.

Certainly, a relationship can end and both people are quickly interested in someone new. It happens, and as those memories and feelings once shared with a partner fade into the past, they can be replaced. If you meet someone and develop strong feelings for them, you'll likely not feel the same love you had for an ex, as they could possibly be stronger feelings. For me, I see that if a couple breaks up, there is a reason behind it, one way or another even if it wasn't an amicable split.  In all of my experiences with love, lust, crushes, and everything in between, each sort of "thing" differs from one to the next, which also brings me to the other side of my argument.

Now, if your relationships are much different from each other and unworthy for comparison, (DISCLAIMER: It is not healthy to compare your relationships, romantic or otherwise) then the likelihood that any or all of them could be truly replaced is next to impossible.

"What about soulmates?" you ask.

In my opinion, I believe that, yes, my husband is my soulmate. But so are my best friends, and so was a fella I knew before my husband. The way I see it, a soulmate is an individual that you connect with on a spiritual level. For example, my friend Kandice is absolutely a soulmate of mine. We grew up in the same medium-sized Indiana town for a good chunk of our childhoods. We lived less than 5 miles apart and she went to a nearby high school which is a rival for my tiny school. Kandice and I have figured out that our paths could have crossed in about 20 different ways, but they way we met was actually because my husband's friend (Tom) is married to one of Kandice's best friends (Lori), a group of extraordinary young women that I am grateful for every day of my life, which also validates to our group that Dylan and I, Tom and Lori, and all these friends were destined to be in each other's lives.

Yes, I have more than one soulmate and you probably do as well. People can be replaced, in many cases. If you had a shitty friend or significant other, but now have great friends or a loving significant other, that person was replaced, no doubt.

If for some reason my husband and I were to get divorced, (which doesn't seem possible, but you never know) there is a definite chance that either one or both of us would have other relationships and possibly another marriage afterward. I don't believe that Dylan would ever be able to be replaced in my heart, no matter what would happen. No matter if I had a different partner. He has helped me learn about myself and grow into the woman I have become, which will absolutely never be done in the same way by another person.

People come and go in life and the best advice I can give is that you have to learn to let go of what is gone and embrace what is coming you way to be fully, truly happy.

What My Best-Friendship Taught Me About True Love

I'm not the type to brag about what makes my life special, but there is one person especially whom I'll never stop boasting about. Her name is Jessica and she has been my best friend for 14 years, more than half of our lives. She is honest, loyal, kind, thoughtful, inspiring, understanding, careful, warm, loving, and most of all, she gets me.

I look at my life with my husband and I have tried to figure out where my love-wisdom has come from. I'm only 22 and I've been told by so many that I have an insight that is beyond my years. The answer I have found is that my best-friendship has lead me right into an extremely fulfilling and well-functioning relationship. 

Jessica taught me how to be myself and that it's totally fine to disagree on things. We've only had about three fight in the history of our friendship, but I think that comes from the fact that we respect and love each other so much. I'm the diva, bossy-pants and she's the goofy, modest one. I'm loud and she's quiet, but I find that our opposites are what keep us balanced. I know if she didn't also hold this spectacular amount of wisdom, I wouldn't have gotten through some of my darkest moments. She's always been a person that I can rely on. 

I also see my husband, Dylan, as my best friend. Now, Jessica has her own little untouchable tier within my hierarchy of friendships, but Dylan rings in as a close second, whose place is also unwavering. 

My friendship with Jessica has taught me that there are some people in this world to which your soul can be forever attached to. I trust her with my life and all my secrets. The times that she has stood by my side has proven that the people who belong in your life are always there for you. Jessica has taken my side when I've been wrong, she's told me that I look beautiful when I'm sick, she's been my supporter when I had no one in my corner. There has been 14 years of give and take, which wasn't always easy, especially when we were younger. Through it all, Jessica has taught me how to love someone wholeheartedly.

Through 14 years, we've discussed, laughed, challenged each other, danced, prayed, cried, and drove countless miles just to see each other. I've dropped what I was doing to rush to meet with her. She's forgiven me when I've made mistakes. I've held her hand and yelled at people in her defense. We are a team and there is nothing that would ever break the bond that we share. Jessica is my best friend and my sister.

All of what I've shared here hold true to my relationship with Dylan, as well, but she paved the way for me to have this amazing, successful partnership with my husband. To be able to share my life with these two people means more than words can even express.

I want the best for my best friend and my husband. I can't wait to see where the world takes us and to see how my relationship grows with each of them. I couldn't imagine my life without Jessica or Dylan, and I believe that to have a successful marriage, it is key to have a great friendship, as well.

All of my close friends have taught me how to be better when it comes to my relationship with my husband, too. Every challenge, every laugh, every miscommunication, every time one of my friends or I have done something completely selfless for the other, those are the moments that I realize that I've known true love for as long as I can remember.

She's the Serena to my Blair, the Carrie to my Samantha, the Otis to my Milo, the Karlie to my Taylor, the pop of color to my grayscale, the Country croon to my Rock 'n Roll riff, the answer to all of my questions. We're thick as thieves and I wouldn't have it any other way.

True love is commitment, honesty, respect, and loyalty in each and every situation. My best friend is the person who taught me that over the years. I owe it all to you, Jess.