Everyone had heard the term "fight or flight" which is a response to an often threatening situation which causes a person to use (verbal/physical) force or run away. I've been thinking over the past few days what kinds of situations may cause a fight or flight response, but what I kept finding lead a lot back to the type of relationship you have with the "threat."
In my experience, the types of situations where I feel physically, emotionally, or psychologically unsafe seem to involve people that I now label as TOXIC. Often times, bad friends or frenemies can be the most fight-inducing people, because you may have seen them in a better light until you sometimes bump heads because you're just too diffrent and argue. I think this is the best time to use your flight. Cut ties and end relationships that aren't in your best interest, especially if they tear you down, try to discredit you or show no reason for your trust. Sometimes this involves the other person in your relationship/marriage. In any type of domestic violence situation, the final choice should always be flight.
BUT on the other side of this coin, there comes love. We all know that love makes people do crazy things, but how do you know when to use fight or use flight?
I say fight. Fight everyday for the person you love, never giving up on them. Help them fight for themselves, too. If your significant other is lost or acting uncharacteristic of who you know them to be, fight by their side until they have dealt with whatever they are going through. It is so hard to see the ones you love suffer, but helping them with their fight will prove that you are a fighter. When the going gets tough, the tough get going. If you and your partner aren't getting along so well, giving up isn't always the answer. If you slow down, make time for each other, listen, and work on a plan for both of you to make improvements, then you are fighting against stress, depression, anxiety, natural differences, lack of time, or whatever it is that is causing the issue.
Don't run away from love or the possibility of love simply because you are afraid of what may or may not happen. Keep a positive, open mind and everything else will fall in line.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Thursday, July 24, 2014
5 Tips For a Spectacular Sex Life
Relationships are complicated and are made up of so many different parts. Intimacy and sex are probably the most complicated pieces of the love-puzzle, but here is a post to help figure it out just a little more. If you're looking for steamy tips on how to please your partner, you've come to the wrong blog. Sex is a physical act of love, expression, passion, and lust; this specific post is focused on aspects that create a successful sex life.
1. Communicate
Some people don't like to discuss sex, but it is important to share with your partner what you enjoy and don't enjoy in your sex life. Talking simply about what you want can easily make great sex more achievable. People aren't mind-readers, so giving hints, tips, and sometimes outright requests can make your partner feel closer to you and give them confidence in knowing what they can do to ensure your sexual satisfaction. Sex is a subject that should be a worry-free zone, so being kind about what your partner fantasizes about will bring you closer, and that begins to build up your entire relationship, knowing that other parts of your life can also be approached with the same mind-set.
Giving your partner praise for a job well done can bring you much closer, too. Everyone likes to be told that they are doing a good job and compliments can be oh so meaningful (and sexy) to bring into the bedroom. If your partner feels confident, they can add extra attention to you, your body, and your desires instead of being concerned with "doing ________ 'correctly'." Talk may be cheap, but there is no end to the richness it can bring into your sex life.
2. Be Open
When you and your partner discuss what you want out of your sexual experiences with each other, it is key to keep an open mind and make sure that even if you aren't into something, you keep yourself from judging their preference or shutting the possibility down immediately. As with any aspect of marriage/relationships, keeping an open mind is a step in the right direction. For both partners to be fully satisfied, each person has to consider the other's needs and desires. If you do decide to try something outside of the norm for you, there could be a pleasant surprise that you can add to your regular itinerary.
Also, this allows for the promise of spontaneity and since variety is the spice of life, that can take you just about anywhere emotionally, as well as physically.
3. Aim for Quantity Over Quality
Believe it or not, in a relationship it is actually better for a couple to have more sex rather than to have "better" sex. Why? Research has found that couples who don't engage in sexual activity on a regular basis often lose physical intimacy. Kat Van Kirk, MA, DHS, clinical sexologist, marriage therapist, and author of The Married Sex Solution suggests that we should be, "removing the expectation of having long, technical lovemaking sessions." This means that having 10 focused minutes for a morning-shower quickie or a hot make out session can build more intimate moments than so many quality-seeking couples have experienced in years, but the great thing about this kind of sex, these sessions can turn out to be longer, too. The more you are intimate with your partner, the more intimate your entire relationship will be.
4. Challenge Each Other
With quantity being the main goal, it can really be a fun little game to make a challenge out of your sex schedule. It depends on how frequently you and your partner like to get down, but say you two like to have sex three times a week, make a pact to have sex AT LEAST that number of times. There isn't a whole lot of competition for a winner here, except your sexual activity will grow and your entire relationship will become stronger as a result of fulfilling the promise. It can also be fun to throw a high number into the mix one week, especially if you're on vacation and stress-free. Challenging yourselves to having sex 7+ times in a week can make you feel like you're on your honeymoon again!
5. Relax and Have Fun
All in all, sex is about having fun and expressing love, so just relax and enjoy what your partner has to offer. Being relaxed beforehand can also guarantee that you have more successful sex, as you aren't worried about deadlines, money, your in-laws, parenting (if you have children), or anything else. Let yourself be fully in the moment. I firmly believe that if the two of you don't laugh at least once in your lovemaking session, you aren't doing it right.
We are sexual beings and having a happy sex life is really the key to a happy relationship.
1. Communicate
Some people don't like to discuss sex, but it is important to share with your partner what you enjoy and don't enjoy in your sex life. Talking simply about what you want can easily make great sex more achievable. People aren't mind-readers, so giving hints, tips, and sometimes outright requests can make your partner feel closer to you and give them confidence in knowing what they can do to ensure your sexual satisfaction. Sex is a subject that should be a worry-free zone, so being kind about what your partner fantasizes about will bring you closer, and that begins to build up your entire relationship, knowing that other parts of your life can also be approached with the same mind-set.
Giving your partner praise for a job well done can bring you much closer, too. Everyone likes to be told that they are doing a good job and compliments can be oh so meaningful (and sexy) to bring into the bedroom. If your partner feels confident, they can add extra attention to you, your body, and your desires instead of being concerned with "doing ________ 'correctly'." Talk may be cheap, but there is no end to the richness it can bring into your sex life.
2. Be Open
When you and your partner discuss what you want out of your sexual experiences with each other, it is key to keep an open mind and make sure that even if you aren't into something, you keep yourself from judging their preference or shutting the possibility down immediately. As with any aspect of marriage/relationships, keeping an open mind is a step in the right direction. For both partners to be fully satisfied, each person has to consider the other's needs and desires. If you do decide to try something outside of the norm for you, there could be a pleasant surprise that you can add to your regular itinerary.
Also, this allows for the promise of spontaneity and since variety is the spice of life, that can take you just about anywhere emotionally, as well as physically.
3. Aim for Quantity Over Quality
Believe it or not, in a relationship it is actually better for a couple to have more sex rather than to have "better" sex. Why? Research has found that couples who don't engage in sexual activity on a regular basis often lose physical intimacy. Kat Van Kirk, MA, DHS, clinical sexologist, marriage therapist, and author of The Married Sex Solution suggests that we should be, "removing the expectation of having long, technical lovemaking sessions." This means that having 10 focused minutes for a morning-shower quickie or a hot make out session can build more intimate moments than so many quality-seeking couples have experienced in years, but the great thing about this kind of sex, these sessions can turn out to be longer, too. The more you are intimate with your partner, the more intimate your entire relationship will be.
4. Challenge Each Other
With quantity being the main goal, it can really be a fun little game to make a challenge out of your sex schedule. It depends on how frequently you and your partner like to get down, but say you two like to have sex three times a week, make a pact to have sex AT LEAST that number of times. There isn't a whole lot of competition for a winner here, except your sexual activity will grow and your entire relationship will become stronger as a result of fulfilling the promise. It can also be fun to throw a high number into the mix one week, especially if you're on vacation and stress-free. Challenging yourselves to having sex 7+ times in a week can make you feel like you're on your honeymoon again!
5. Relax and Have Fun
All in all, sex is about having fun and expressing love, so just relax and enjoy what your partner has to offer. Being relaxed beforehand can also guarantee that you have more successful sex, as you aren't worried about deadlines, money, your in-laws, parenting (if you have children), or anything else. Let yourself be fully in the moment. I firmly believe that if the two of you don't laugh at least once in your lovemaking session, you aren't doing it right.
We are sexual beings and having a happy sex life is really the key to a happy relationship.
Thursday, July 17, 2014
Beauty
If you have ever taken a glance at my Pinterest boards you will know, with exactly 230 pins (at the time of my writing this), beauty is something I enjoy spending time on and also discussing. I love being a girly girl: hair, make-up, nails, and clothing (which has it's own Pinterest board.) But at the end of the day, true, timeless beauty comes from the soul.
I have had low self-esteem for my entire life, basically, but as I've gotten older not only have I grown and changed, becoming more beautiful on the outside, but I have become more beautiful on the inside. No matter the amount of time spent on applying flawless make-up or who you hire to give you the trendiest Cut & Color, you will not be beautiful without the actions and mindset of a wholly, entirely beautiful person.
Intelligence is beautiful. Hard work is beautiful. Selfless acts of kindness are beautiful. Forgiveness is beautiful. Humility is beautiful. Thoughtfulness is beautiful. Open-mindedness is beautiful.
I was speaking with a close friend of mine about beauty yesterday after seeing several Facebook posts for the 5 Photos of Beauty Challenge that was occurring in my newsfeed (one I participated in) along with a Buzzfeed post we read. We began discussing music and why so many popular songs are centered around the idea that a beautiful woman doesn't know that she's beautiful and that is what makes her beautiful. If you are a woman, surely you can relate with not feeling beautiful. Unfortunately, America is still very much behind a lot of the world when it comes to the idea and practice of feminism (def. - a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.) We live in a patriarchy (def. - a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it), dear readers and what my friend and I came across was that this patriarchal society also feeds on the disempowerment of women, as if a woman could never be beautiful if society and the media and advertisements and the fashion industry tell her she isn't. On the outside.
But aren't we lucky to be smarter than that? (A good deal of us anyway...)
Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, but that beauty can be shown in so many different ways. I also believe the reaction you have to the approval/disapproval of your outer beauty has a lot to say about how beautiful you are on the inside, as well.
You don't have to wear make-up or be a size 2 to be beautiful. You simply just have to be beautiful.
I have had low self-esteem for my entire life, basically, but as I've gotten older not only have I grown and changed, becoming more beautiful on the outside, but I have become more beautiful on the inside. No matter the amount of time spent on applying flawless make-up or who you hire to give you the trendiest Cut & Color, you will not be beautiful without the actions and mindset of a wholly, entirely beautiful person.
Intelligence is beautiful. Hard work is beautiful. Selfless acts of kindness are beautiful. Forgiveness is beautiful. Humility is beautiful. Thoughtfulness is beautiful. Open-mindedness is beautiful.
I was speaking with a close friend of mine about beauty yesterday after seeing several Facebook posts for the 5 Photos of Beauty Challenge that was occurring in my newsfeed (one I participated in) along with a Buzzfeed post we read. We began discussing music and why so many popular songs are centered around the idea that a beautiful woman doesn't know that she's beautiful and that is what makes her beautiful. If you are a woman, surely you can relate with not feeling beautiful. Unfortunately, America is still very much behind a lot of the world when it comes to the idea and practice of feminism (def. - a person who believes in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes.) We live in a patriarchy (def. - a system of society or government in which men hold the power and women are largely excluded from it), dear readers and what my friend and I came across was that this patriarchal society also feeds on the disempowerment of women, as if a woman could never be beautiful if society and the media and advertisements and the fashion industry tell her she isn't. On the outside.
But aren't we lucky to be smarter than that? (A good deal of us anyway...)
Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder, but that beauty can be shown in so many different ways. I also believe the reaction you have to the approval/disapproval of your outer beauty has a lot to say about how beautiful you are on the inside, as well.
You don't have to wear make-up or be a size 2 to be beautiful. You simply just have to be beautiful.
Thursday, July 10, 2014
The Not-So-Great Escape
One topic in particular is often on the forefront of my mind because it is so prevalent in today's culture and because I see it in the lives of nearly everyone who surrounds me: escapism.
It seems that we are always checking or posting on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, but yet we have so many real-world issues that we aren't doing anything about. Although social media outlets and cellphones are the most common and consistent barrier between us and our problems, it isn't the only form of escapism. We watch tv, we watch movies, we gossip, we get drunk, some of us get high, we spend money, we laugh it off, we make excuses, we do so may things to keep from facing the direct problems that are in front of us. When we are intelligent enough to identify the things that hold us back/the problems in our lives, why aren't we intelligent enough to deal with them?
This topic may not seem to have a complete connection to marriage and relationships, but it does. So many people avoid THOSE conversations with their significant other. Communication is barricaded by the desire to escape. We don't want to talk about money or moving or sex or family or loneliness or stress or exhaustion or time management because deep down, we fear that it will push our significant other away, somehow.
WE HAVE TO FACE OUR PROBLEMS. There is no way that any single one of us in this entire world can move past a problem if we don't face it. Stop escaping from the issue. Stop excusing your toxic behaviors. The only way we can make a difference is by doing something differently than other people and that doesn't come from being afraid. Making a difference means stepping up to that thing you're afraid to death of and running right through it, knocking it down. You can't move forward, become a better version of yourself, or make your life better by escaping. I ask you, dear reader, to make a promise, a vow to yourself that you will face and tackle that thing that keeps you up at night. You owe it to yourself to stop escaping.
It seems that we are always checking or posting on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram, but yet we have so many real-world issues that we aren't doing anything about. Although social media outlets and cellphones are the most common and consistent barrier between us and our problems, it isn't the only form of escapism. We watch tv, we watch movies, we gossip, we get drunk, some of us get high, we spend money, we laugh it off, we make excuses, we do so may things to keep from facing the direct problems that are in front of us. When we are intelligent enough to identify the things that hold us back/the problems in our lives, why aren't we intelligent enough to deal with them?
This topic may not seem to have a complete connection to marriage and relationships, but it does. So many people avoid THOSE conversations with their significant other. Communication is barricaded by the desire to escape. We don't want to talk about money or moving or sex or family or loneliness or stress or exhaustion or time management because deep down, we fear that it will push our significant other away, somehow.
WE HAVE TO FACE OUR PROBLEMS. There is no way that any single one of us in this entire world can move past a problem if we don't face it. Stop escaping from the issue. Stop excusing your toxic behaviors. The only way we can make a difference is by doing something differently than other people and that doesn't come from being afraid. Making a difference means stepping up to that thing you're afraid to death of and running right through it, knocking it down. You can't move forward, become a better version of yourself, or make your life better by escaping. I ask you, dear reader, to make a promise, a vow to yourself that you will face and tackle that thing that keeps you up at night. You owe it to yourself to stop escaping.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
Independence
In a relationship and especially in marriage, I find it important for each person to have their own sense of freedom. As we get older, many are looking for a long-term partner or spouse. Before getting into a relationship, it's key to feel completely free in being yourself. In no way should someone ever have to change the root of who they are for another person.
If you like to read, read. If you like to explore, explore. If you like to watch Netflix for countless hours while eating countless spoonfuls of Nutella, do it. I mean, If you can't be you around you, who can you be you around?
Freedom is really all about being comfortable with who you are and embracing it. And if you don't feel free, look deeper and see if something is holding you back. Whether it be your confidence, you attitude, your weight, or the company you keep, find a way to change what is keeping you from feeling free. I personally dropped some weight and dropped some friends, both of which kept me from feeling good about myself and kept me from being truly free.
All Americans know tomorrow, July 4th, is Independence day. This day is all about celebrating the amazing freedoms we have in this country and those who helped us get there. In a marriage, your spouse is (or should be) your biggest supporter, the other person who can help you find your independence. He/she is often times the only other person who knows what keeps you from being free. Oftentimes, we don't even know we feel restricted by people, places, or things until our attitude starts to show it. If someone is a negative or mean-spirited person, chances are, they aren't happy with themselves, and while feeling trapped in a place of self-hate and sometimes, self-loathing, they have no way to find their independence or freedom.
Another aspect that may keep someone from feeling free is reliance on parents. I have been financially independent since my 18th birthday, which is one reason why I think independence comes easily to me. While being young, it can be hard to balance college and work. Many people live with their parents while they are setting themselves up financially. I've found that a lot of my friends feel very uncomfortable talking about money, either because their parents cover most of their expenses (rent, tuition, phone, car, doctor expenses, insurance, etc.) or they are in debt. I am lucky to say that my husband and I aren't in any debt (until I graduate college next May,) but I can imagine what it would feel like if there were a dark cloud over my head. As young adults, I believe that it is our own responsibility to take care of ourselves, true independence.
When it come to the daily aspect of being in a marriage, both parties need to have the ability to spend time doing something they enjoy, even if their partner isn't into it. Everyone has different needs. For example, my husband is introverted, so he likes to have some quiet time either with me, where we work on our own projects or alone, where he can recharge and meditate. I am very extroverted, which means that I get energy from interacting with other people, so to fulfill those needs, I'll go out to lunch with my mom or I'll have a night out at a bar (or five) with my friends. It is that kind of Independence that keeps both my husband and myself happy in the day-to-day life of our marriage. No matter how we fulfill those needs, it is a great reassurance that we can and do have the time to enjoy what makes/helps us feel free.
Being yourself at all times is the best way to ensure that you have total freedom. Find out what will help you achieve that freedom and just go for it. We only get one shot at life, so make the most of the awesome person you can become once you are freed.
If you like to read, read. If you like to explore, explore. If you like to watch Netflix for countless hours while eating countless spoonfuls of Nutella, do it. I mean, If you can't be you around you, who can you be you around?
Freedom is really all about being comfortable with who you are and embracing it. And if you don't feel free, look deeper and see if something is holding you back. Whether it be your confidence, you attitude, your weight, or the company you keep, find a way to change what is keeping you from feeling free. I personally dropped some weight and dropped some friends, both of which kept me from feeling good about myself and kept me from being truly free.
All Americans know tomorrow, July 4th, is Independence day. This day is all about celebrating the amazing freedoms we have in this country and those who helped us get there. In a marriage, your spouse is (or should be) your biggest supporter, the other person who can help you find your independence. He/she is often times the only other person who knows what keeps you from being free. Oftentimes, we don't even know we feel restricted by people, places, or things until our attitude starts to show it. If someone is a negative or mean-spirited person, chances are, they aren't happy with themselves, and while feeling trapped in a place of self-hate and sometimes, self-loathing, they have no way to find their independence or freedom.
Another aspect that may keep someone from feeling free is reliance on parents. I have been financially independent since my 18th birthday, which is one reason why I think independence comes easily to me. While being young, it can be hard to balance college and work. Many people live with their parents while they are setting themselves up financially. I've found that a lot of my friends feel very uncomfortable talking about money, either because their parents cover most of their expenses (rent, tuition, phone, car, doctor expenses, insurance, etc.) or they are in debt. I am lucky to say that my husband and I aren't in any debt (until I graduate college next May,) but I can imagine what it would feel like if there were a dark cloud over my head. As young adults, I believe that it is our own responsibility to take care of ourselves, true independence.
When it come to the daily aspect of being in a marriage, both parties need to have the ability to spend time doing something they enjoy, even if their partner isn't into it. Everyone has different needs. For example, my husband is introverted, so he likes to have some quiet time either with me, where we work on our own projects or alone, where he can recharge and meditate. I am very extroverted, which means that I get energy from interacting with other people, so to fulfill those needs, I'll go out to lunch with my mom or I'll have a night out at a bar (or five) with my friends. It is that kind of Independence that keeps both my husband and myself happy in the day-to-day life of our marriage. No matter how we fulfill those needs, it is a great reassurance that we can and do have the time to enjoy what makes/helps us feel free.
Being yourself at all times is the best way to ensure that you have total freedom. Find out what will help you achieve that freedom and just go for it. We only get one shot at life, so make the most of the awesome person you can become once you are freed.
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