Free Yourself

"He offered her the world; she said she had her own."

I often write about independence in life and in marriage, but I never feel like I get the whole message across in one piece. I find independence so important because of my Feminist beliefs. Women have been expected to be a wife and a mother, but, historically, were rarely expected to achieve success in their own right.

Feminism is the idea and supports the idea that the sexes are equal. I feel that teaching women to be dependent on men diminishes that equality and that tension-filled expectation is completely unfair to both sexes. Many men are expected to “bring home the bacon,” even if they want to spend their life doing charity work or being a stay-at-home dad. This puts unnecessary pressure on the men in our society, which can keep them from reaching their highest potential.

Our society at large supports the notion of women’s dependency, in that women make $0.22 less than every man’s dollar. Our society literally shows us that, socially, culturally, politically, and economically, we are worth less than men and that we are not expected to or granted the ability to thrive on our own.

It seems so rarely expected for a woman to be self-sustaining.

On top of all of that, we have songs and media portrayals that label women who do not work or make as much money as her romantic interest as a “gold-digger,” when women have been told for centuries that their entire life ambition should revolve around being a housewife and caretaker.

Let me squash this quickly: no woman NEEDS a man.

Hell no.

Evan married women do not NEED their husband. In suggesting that all women are dependent on men, we are denying a group of people the intrinsic right of independence. We are born alone. We die alone.

I can and do take care of myself. I make sure that I have food when I am hungry, sleep when I am tired, exercise when I am restless, and that I get my ass up Monday through Friday to work an 8am – 5pm job, so that I CAN provide for myself.

My husband did not earn my college degree or teach me to be strong in moments of difficulty. My experiences in life and the hurdles that I have dominated have taught me that. Only the things that I have endured in my life have led me to where I am.

While in college, my husband was often the only one working. I had jobs here and there, but wasn’t working full-time or part-time for the majority of five years. My stance on independence may puzzle you, since I did rely on my husband’s income for quite some time. I'm sure many people have had their opinions and judged me due to the lifestyle that my husband and I have. We both see that even though I was not making money during that time, I was indeed working toward a secure financial future for myself. In relationships, there should be a sense of teamwork. My husband and I have a joint bank account, but our bills are also in both of our names because the highs and lows of responsibility is OURS to handle.

I love my husband and I look to him for support after a tough day, but I do not depend on his love to carry me throughout my life. I allow his love to make me feel valued inside of our relationship, but my value in the world is much richer and deeper than that.

As young women we have a responsibility to persevere and make something of ourselves on a career-level. Forty years ago, an office workplace was sometimes filled with crude behavior and inappropriate sexual comments toward female employees. Not only was there an unlikelihood for advancement, but the treatment these path-paving, barrier-breaking career women went through should be enough to inspire today’s women to fight via success and achievement.

It is my belief that when you have your own thing: work, projects, hobbies, travels, finances, friends, etc., you end up being happier. I know for me, when I stepped out in college and started running the university’s literary magazine and was tutoring on the University Writing Center, I felt so much more independent. I felt proud of myself for my hard work and achievements.

Each one of us has control over where we go and what we do in our lifetime. As women, why should we ever let ourselves be dwindled down to the roles we play in our household? Obviously, there are women who find true fulfillment in being a housewife, but that doesn't mean that your independence don't matter. We are worth more than what our culture tells us. 

Not only do we owe it the generations of women that came before us, who survived through so much more than what I mentioned above, but we owe it to ourselves and the women who come after us. Stay strong and build your OWN life, in which your destiny is in your own hands.

Thank You, Dylan

To My Husband,

First, I love you. I love you even more than I did the very first moment I knew and more than I did on our wedding day. 

The reason I'm writing this is simply to say thank you. Not only have you had my interests at heart since our very first date, but you've kept me in your heart for almost seven years since then. 

It takes a special kind of man to support his wife's goals and aspirations. Especially when reaching them takes such a long time. You helped me keep my sanity through a million five years in college. You beamed when telling your friends and family that I was going to be getting my degree. You whistled the loudest when I crossed the stage at graduation. You held my hand under the table when we celebrated with my family and friends afterwards. You've always been proud of me.

If it weren't for the sacrifices you made, I wouldn't be where I am today. We made it, babe.

I say thank you for always working hard toward your goals, as well. Just a few days ago we talked about how we got through so many years with so little money. We ate ramen noodles and toast, spaghetti and canned vegetables, and we could hardly afford to buy milk for the entire summer before our wedding. We certainly weren't well-nourished, but we were full of love. 

You never complained. Not once. You kept working hard, even at a job where you were paid a third of what you should have been. Our lives are not measured by how many dollars we have in the bank or our job titles, but they are measured by how hard we work toward success. I am so proud that you never gave up. For years, you spent countless hours reading and learning new programming skills, even though you couldn't apply them to your work until much later. I have watched you make goals, reach them, and make more. We are both so wonderfully blessed to be able to rely on each other's support every day. I am so thankful for and astonished by your passion. 

Now, it's my turn. I will support you while you're taking classes to finish your degree. While we both sacrifice our time together so you can attend classes in the evening. Thank you for being driven to finish what you started 9 years ago. Thank you for being an example to me, and believing in my craft, my art, and my ability. 

We have no choice but to live one day at a time on this little blue dot, but you make every single one of those days special and meaningful. They are all so filled with love and light, passion and respect, honesty and warmth, growth and encouragement, kindness and enchantment. Life is not about the when, the where, the what, but the why. 

And the why that we have always come back to, no matter what, is love. You are my eternal and everlasting force of nature. You guide me in times where I see no clear path ahead. You help me believe in myself. You are the calm and I am the storm. 

You have never given up on me, even when I was restless and unsure of what I wanted for my future. I will never give up on you, even though there will be many sacrifices made while you're working toward an even better future for us. You always fight for me and I will always do the same for you. We are worth the difficult times, the indescribable moments, and all the good fortune that lies ahead. 

Thank you for never counting me out. 

-j

10 Lessons, 5 Years of Marriage

Today, my husband and I leave for our honeymoon to celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary this Saturday.  We are making our first trip out of the country together for the best reason: we are in love. In this excitement, I wanted to share just a few of the lessons that I've learned in the past five years. These are things that I find to be of utmost importance and are highly valued in the marriage I have built with Dylan.

1. It’s complicated.

When you spend a good amount of time around someone, you get to know them better than most people. In marriage, you and your partner play a myriad of roles in one another’s life. With that comes some complications. As for me, I know that my husband knows me and what I want, so much so that there are times that I totally forego telling him what my expectations and/or needs are. We get caught up in our busy schedules and forget that our partner doesn’t always know what we want, especially if we aren't direct about it. I can’t simply expect that my husband will know that I want him to pick up my signature Starbucks beverage on the way home from an airport run, but I can TELL him I’d appreciate that. (And hey, he might even grab me my favorite kind of donut, Bavarian cream, which he did this morning!) Communicating effectively allows for simplification. I think that people tend to make their relationships more complicated because they want something really interesting to happen, but a drama-free marriage isn't boring, it’s a happy one. 

2. Marriage has its own life cycle.

You will have good days, bad days, spectacular days, and black days. It happens. All relationships, but particularly marriage, have a natural rise and fall. This ebb and flow is why every relationship a person has doesn’t end in marriage. Even when you do meet the person you can see spending your life with, there will be a flow to your relationship where you will be closer and less-close. What is important, is that when you get less-close, you don't detach. I never want to see the love that I share with my husband die. These changes in your marriage make it stronger in the end, but only if you remember that the bad days will pass. 

3. Making and reaching goals is imperative.

Financially, your spouse is the Clyde to your Bonnie: if you don’t make a plan, you are likely to fail. Something that Dylan and I have been working toward is getting a large sum saved up for the future. We get really excited when we hit another goal, and at the same time, we're ensuring our future. When we were first married, we had very little money because we were so young, but our situation has improved. Even if you are struggling every paycheck, take a small amount to save. Making a promise to yourself and your partner for your future is great for your marriage. I love when I talk to other couples and they can realistically plan what they want to do in the future. If you want a vacation or a new (or second) car or a house or children, financial stability and hopefully, a good credit score are important to attain before doing so. After working toward saving money, we have been able to travel quite a bit and we are finally getting to celebrate our successful marriage with a honeymoon that we couldn't afford five years ago. Trust me, I know that it isn't easy because life happens and, much like in the movie UP, you have to break your Paradise Falls jar every now and then. By creating a plan and following it, we are betting on us. 

4. Your spouse comes first (before all others, including children).

It’s true, I do not have children, but that does not mean that I don't know a thing or two about being a parent. I am certain that the love you have for your partner is much different than what you have for your child/ren, but hear me out when I say that your spouse should ALWAYS come before your child/ren. In order for that child to come into the world, you had to at least know your partner. If you were married before having a child, you clearly loved your partner beforehand, and for people like me, bringing a child into your lives may have been a very calculated decision that you chose. Although not everyone chooses to get pregnant, we do chose to get married. My husband will absolutely always come ahead of any child/ren that we bring into our lives. Dylan completely agrees with me on this and we understand that the responsibilities for a child (safety, education, nurturing, etc.) differs from those in marriage. One day we may move away from our city, one day (if we decide to become parents) our child/ren will be adults, but we will always have each other. I do not put my family above my husband and I do not put my friends above my husband, even though I do love them all. I continue to choose my husband and my marriage everyday. And don't sit there reading this thinking I'm a 1950’s housewife, either because I live my own life. I am independent and clearly have a mind of my own. I just adore my marriage and want to keep it that way. 

5. Expectations are almost always a let-down.

My biggest personal flaw is that I expect too much from others. Five years of marriage and I have just now discovered this. And hole shit, was it a difficult reality check for me. I really don't feel like I expect exuberant actions in all situations, but I have learned that I often come off that way. When I started thinking more about what my high expectations meant, I began to realize that I expect a lot from other people because I expect a lot from myself. I want people to be on time, to put others’ needs before their own, to listen and ask questions, to be open-minded, to be organized and well put-together, and in many ways, want what I want. This isn't just a challenge for me to overcome, but in the meantime, my husband has done quite a lot to be damn near perfect. I am not a perfect wife and I never will be. I am very lucky. I have a faithful, present, loving, accepting, and forgiving husband. He’s perfect in so many ways, so when other wives I know complain about their husband doing this or that, I am easily reminded of that fact that I have a spectacular husband. These expectations that I have, though, have probably shaped Dylan's choices and actions due to my semi-impossible standards. There have been times where it becomes obvious that he’s an imperfect human (just as I honestly want him to be), but not having my expectations met causes me anxiety and disappointment. I am now working on being more relaxed and not expecting too much. You don’t have completely let go of all of your expectations, but they certainly can be made more realistic. We can't expect our marriages to look like a fairytale because those stories aren't real. Life is dirty and inconvenient. In marriage, I have come to understand that it is vital to remember that we are doing our best, even if we aren't perfect. 

6. Take time away from technology.

Dylan and I are millennials, which means that we grew up in a world that was computer savvy and internet-oriented. We love reading and sharing articles online and enjoy our Netflix binges as much as the next person. What many people our age seem to forget is that you have to step away from your technological devices (that includes the television) and spend quality time with your spouse. We make it a point to not watch more than an hour of television per workday, as we like to watch movies on the weekends. We don’t look at our phones while we're on a dinner date. Dylan and I have found so much happiness in doing other things together. We go for long walks on some of our city’s urban trails and parks. We play at least one game of chess every night. We take time to plan our meals and cook together. We listen to music and dance. We have a glass (or bottle) of wine and discuss politics and work events and the meaning of life. We talk about our day and make each other laugh. We unplug from our fucking technology. THIS IS LIFE, not a game, not a way to pass the time. Be joyous and live it. 

7. Go ahead and speak your mind.

“Speak the truth—even if your voice shakes.” - Maggie Kuhn

Even in marriage, you will find that you will disagree on issues that are fundamental to you. I am very strongly opinionated when it comes to my political beliefs. Being a liberal feminist is the most important ideal in my life. I am a defender of women’s rights and equality. When I was younger, I often felt shut down for my opinions, so I didn't discuss them much in my small, mostly-rural community. When I moved to Indianapolis and started college, I began to realize the my voice could and would be heard by those around me. With this, I began doing extensive research on topics I found to be important, even if those ideas were “radical.” Even inside of marriage, there will be issues that you and your partner do not see eye-to-eye. If I am firm, which I am about 95% of the time, in your beliefs, just hear the other person out, but do not forget to debate. Bring issues to the table that you find important. My husband is an anarchist, agnostic cyber nerd who has hitchhiked hundreds of miles to participate in protests. He is who he is, but we still work avidly to learn about each other's point of view on various topics. So do your research and state facts that are relevant. Do not let your emotions get mixed in with your argument, especially if you are trying to sway someone's opinion. If you want to learn or persuade your partner, friend, family member, peer, etc., to see your stance, you cannot be afraid to say what is important to you. It’s okay to disagree, but it isn't okay to throw your conviction in the trash bin. 

8. Give yourself treats to look forward to.

We all go through stressful times: a lot to get done at work, busy schedule, social engagements, household obligations, and  the day-to-day of life in general. I have found it easiest to get through stressful situations just by planning something with my husband as a light at the end of the tunnel. Even really small-scale plans are helpful to keep you focused on what matters most. If you're really stressed, it can help to have something to look forward to, even if it’s just a plan to see a new movie over the weekend to go to an ice cream shop one evening. These plans are a small gift you give to yourself. It’s a lot like making a financial plan in that you allow yourselves to get excited about your future together. Big plans lead to even bigger excitement. Being happy and enthusiastic about your time together shows that your partner takes priority in your life in a fun way.

9. Don’t dig up old dirt.

If you keep coming back to an issue you have in your marriage, it means that you need to work it out. There have been times where something has been brought up in conversation that caused quite a bit of tension for Dylan and I. A hot-button topic would have been brought up casually, but it would upset the other person. When you work something out, you move on from it. If you bring it up, it can cause unneeded conflict. I find it best to just work out problems when we are faced with them. When you ignore an issue, it’s like sweeping dirt under a rug and if you continue to do that, eventually the mound of dirt will get so big that everyone around you will be able to see it except for you two. Bringing up issues that you have laid to rest is like pulling week-old/month-old/year-old pizza out of a dumpster and forcing your spouse to eat it. Just don’t do it, promise?

10. Live on your own timeline.

I saved the best for last with this one. The most valuable lesson I have learned in five years of marriage is that your life isn't going to and doesn’t have to look like the lives of those around you. In American culture, there is a lot of pressure to go to college right after high school and to be married with children by 30. When you are faced with that sort of pressure, you simply must ask yourself, “Is that really what I want?” Yes, I am married with a college degree at 23. My husband is about to go back to college in the fall to get his degree. He is 27. We neither one want children at this point and we're completely fulfilled by being dog-parents. We have looked around at houses, but aren't sure about buying one, since we may move in a few years. This is our life and we have been building it our way. My life has never looked like anyone else’s, so why should I conform to the grand American idealization of the "perfect life" all of a sudden? We will and do have freedoms that my parents and Dylan’s parents did not have. We will not go into debt just to make our life look beautiful from the outside, as it rots on the inside. We are the architects of our marriage, our lives, and our future. 

I am thrilled to have my husband by my side every day of my life. There is so much adventure that awaits us. Five years of marriage seems minuscule in comparison to the many years we are so blessed to have ahead. I love him even more than I did when we were wed and I am awestruck by the possibilities of where our love will take us. 

Let's Talk About Caitlyn Jenner

Everywhere you look online there is something being said about Caitlyn Jenner. I've got much more to say about transgender issues than I do about Cait, so just hear me out.

If you speak in a derogatory manner against anyone who is trans, I'm going to label you as intolerant and transphobic. If you can label so easily, without looking deeper into the issue and what trans people endure, then I feel it's only fair for YOU to be labeled. No matter who it is that you're speaking/posting about, be it Laverne Cox, Caitlyn Jenner, Laura Jane Grace, Chaz Bono,  Jenna Talackova, or the individual you silently passed on the sidewalk whose gender was unidentifiable, remember that it's really none of your fucking business what his/her gender identity is or what his/her biological sex is.

That being said, why is it now, once America's most famous family has a openly transgender member, that transgender issues are being discussed (respectfully, for the most part, but also idiotically) in mainstream media?

How is it that Bruce Jenner (pre-transition, pre-reveal) was mocked and made out to be a joke, but once it was confirmed and Caitlyn Jenner appeared, well wishes of love and acceptance were in the forefront of headlines? 

(This is also urgently imperative: That meme (or memes) you've seen saying that military veteran Noah Galloway was runner-up for ESPN's Arthur Ashe Courage Award, falling behind Caitlyn Jenner, the recipient for the award, is a incorrect.)

It took a beloved American olympic athlete to transition for people to be open minded, which is complete bullshit. I can assure myself and others that a good amount of those same people who praise Laverne Cox and Cait Jenner are the same who wouldn't be "comfortable" sharing a public restroom with a transgendered individual.

(Nevermind that I believe that all bathrooms should be unisex BECAUSE IT IS 2015 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.)

These are the same people who preach that they are an ally to the entire LGBTQ community and yet, feel angry and disgruntled if/when someone asks/assumes that they are a homosexual.

IT IS FAKE.
IT IS DISGUSTING.

When saying that you're accepting of a group of people that may be different than yourself, being assumed to be a member of that group should never embarrass or insult you. (Trust that I personally know individuals just like this, individuals who SAY and PREACH that they are allies and STILL use "gay" as a synonym for stupid or even use that three-letter f-word.)

For example: I am white and I proudly love, accept, and do my best to assist the black community. If someone were to assume that I too were black (despite my obvious exterior), I would never ever be ashamed or outraged. Why is our sex and sexuality treated any differently than this?

There are the "invisible" transgenders of the world and our own country who don't get media coverage or outpouring support on social media for living their truth.

These are the same men and women who are terrified to walk city streets alone at ANY GIVEN TIME OF DAY. These are the people who have been killed or have killed themselves due to an intolerant, ignorant, and hateful culture that surrounds them.

If you are blessed with the opportunity to meet or know someone who is transgender and you are able to truly, fully accept them, you are blessed. Trans issues are complicated, but it's so simple to fill your heart with love. Even if you don't fully understand what they go through (emotionally, physically, psychologically, socially), you have the choice to love them anyway.

We're all just small beings.

I write A LOT about feminism, but remember that transgender issues are also gender issues, too. There have been some small jokes made about Caitlyn's transition asking if she will now make 77% of what she made pre-transition. We jest, but opening the door to discuss LGBTQ issues and tolerance, along with hopefully changing the way that we discuss feminism, women's rights, and gender inequality is what could move your country's culture to an accepting and loving place for all human beings (and animals, as I picket for their rights, as well).

Imagine never feeling at home in your body. Due to weight gain/weight loss, I've felt exactly this on a muchmuchmuchmuch smaller scale. I'm goddamn lucky to know that I am female, inside and out. I will never endure the trauma that transgender individuals do on any level, but I can do my best to replace yet another hating heart and misunderstanding mind with love, compassion, kindness, warmth, friendship, and respect.

College, Pt. 2

In college, we all meet so many new people that we often feel like we have to make quick judgements to see who we want to spend time getting to know. It's impossible to regularly hang out with all the friends you make. You see who those who are charming, unique, and those with similar interests as friends. Within that, there is a hierarchy of friendship.

So, yes, I understand why people label others. My peers have asked me the craziest questions about my personal life; about when I will have children (if they didn't already assume I had children), if my husband was my first boyfriend (even though I'm very open about my past and the fact that I like to "try before I buy"), if I'm "allowed" to go out to bars (with OR without my spouse), how I'm a feminist if I married so young, etc.

I don't like these labels or questions because I don't impose these on others according to their relationship status.

I know plenty of single parents.
I know a few people who have never been in a relationship or have been with the same person since high school.
I am "allowed" to go to bars because that's where my friends and I like to hang out, sometimes.
I'm a feminist, first and foremost.

During college, I feel like I've always had to debunk marriage myths. I wouldn't call Dylan and I a traditional couple or old-fashioned in any way. We have our own hobbies, our own friends (who overlap, sometimes), our own cars, our own creative spaces in our apartment, our own go-to lunch groups; we have a lot of space to be ourselves without the influence of the others over what we're doing or working on.

Some people have suggested that marriage keeps you from having fun, but I have just as much fun married as I did when I was single, if not more. I have my best friend that I can do anything with. We're spontaneous, so at the drop of a hat, we're going on adventures or dates or arranging plans with friends. And as those who hang out in the "Green Room" (aka our living room) already know, we can throw some kickass parties.

What college has given us as a couple, is the ability to be educated in worldly matters, discuss our points of view, which aren't always the same, and gain independence through challenging ourselves and each other. Freedom and independence are key to any marriage, but especially if you're busy with school and/or work.

Among my closest friends, I'm still known to be a little irreverent. I make crude jokes, I swear, and I'll let you know (quite politely) if I disagree with you. I laugh until I cry, drink until I puke, and sing until my voice is hoarse.

Nothing about who I am has been decided or based around being married. I charm. I out-wit. I educate. I challange. I create. I understand. I find beauty in every single day. I work hard. These all come from always striving to be the best version of myself: for me, most of all, and for my husband.

I went to college so that I could become more knowledgeable, in order to make a difference in society with the intelligence that I was naturally given. The more educated I became, the more compassionate I became. I earned my degree because of MY hard work and here's a cold, hard fact:

More people ask me about my marriage than about my education. 

No one asks what classes I took or am taking.
Everyone asks me how long I've been married.
No one asks me how many jobs I have, while carrying on my full-time class schedule.
Everyone asks me how old I was when I got married.
No one asks me how many hours in the day I'm at work, in class, or doing homework.
Everyone asks me how I met my husband.
No one asks me what my GPA is or how many times I've been on the Dean's List.
Everyone asks me what my husband does and if he went to college.
No one asks me if I'm more educated than my husband, which I am.
Everyone asks me how much money my husband makes.

Everyone questions information I give them that I learned in classes I've taken, classes I've soaked up the material, subjects that I know much more of than the average person. 

And everyone Googles facts, because they aren't ever sure if I'm right. Even with a college degree. 

What did I learn about being married in college?
My life, and especially my marriage, are not impacted by or reliant upon the opinions of others.

Post-college, I hope the world offers me the same opportunities that I worked five years for in college. I hope that an employer won't notice my wedding ring in and interview. I hope that my (future) co-workers don't judge me for being married, but for the hell-of-a-lot I bring to the table.

No longer a married girl in college, but forever a married girl.
xo

College, Pt. 1

With my college days coming to an end in less than a week and I've really happy with all that I've accomplished. I have also been thinking about statements that people have said to me about being married in college, which is why I deemed myself as "That Married Girl."


"I couldn't be married in college... I just wouldn't want to be tied down. I want to be able to do whatever I want." 

While in college, I've done just about everything: IU School of Liberal Arts Student Ambassador, tutoring in the University Writing Center, being an Editor before becoming Managing Editor for genesis Literary and Art Magazine, service learning, on- and off-campus volunteering, Greek life, IU School of Education's Student Council, a few different major changes, a few different jobs that weren't related to my career, just to name a few. ;)

Why is it that I've worked my ass off, proving my ability and talent in several different areas of my career, and yet people still believe that marriage means being limited?

No, I don't have much time to do gourmet cook or sew or do laundry, but with my aforementioned schedule, I doubt I'd have time for much recreational activity, but that's not because I'm married.

Yes, I have plenty of time for friends, family, travel, work, exercise, and my education, all while maintaining a fulfilling and rewarding marriage.

No, as a single or dating college student, you do not have more opportunities for sex than I do.

Yes, I do do whatever I want with my time, my body, and my life, but with some consideration for my husband's happiness at the same time.


"When are you having baaaaaaaabies? You two would be great parents."

Notice how no one ever really asks me if I want to have children, but simply when I will have them. I think this assumption is unfair. I've talked with my husband about this at great length, just to see if/how much he gets pressured to become a parent. As far as I know, people have only asked if he currently has children and when he says, "no," they typically drop the subject.

The subject of motherhood is all too often another way our culture pushes women into the archaic ways of life where a woman's worth equated to her ability to bear and raise children; a common topic of discussion for feminists in a society where we're already undervalued.

There's this huge amount of pressure that's put on women to have children, but who can really say that parenting is for me or that I would be a "great parent" when I've had very little experience with children. I don't find myself to be maternal, even though I do try to take care of my friends and have an inviting home where my friends feel comfortable. Just because I'm good at reading, good at planning meals and parties, feel comfortable giving advice to others when it is useful, enjoy spending time discussing ways we can make the world better, have feminine qualities and the biological equipment to give birth, does not mean that I want to be a parent or would be good at doing so.

Just because I am married doesn't mean that I haven't completely become who I am or who I will be in the rest of the years of my life. I'm still trying to get an understanding of who I am and what it is that I want in life; how I'm going to suck the marrow out of life, if you will. My husband and I don't depend on each other, contrary to the popular belief that once you're married you lose your identity. Simply put, I'm young and I haven't got it all figured out just yet.


"This is Jenn. She's married."

I come back to this little quote from my first post.

I am Jenn. It's that simple.

The fact that I'm married at 23 does not define who I am, what I like, where I go, what I say, what I wear, or how I live my life. I am a human being and the fact that I'm "taken" does not mean that I am not flirty or fun, that I am a prude or unfriendly, that I am not a feminist or thinking for myself, etc.

It means that I am Jenn, a free-spirited wild child, with a college degree (almost) who has been married since before she started college almost 5 full years ago. I'm just an in-love married girl, living life the best way I know how.

The Power Struggle

Recently I've spent some time thinking about instances of controversy in my work life. In nearly all the jobs I've had, there have been moments of tension or discomfort between a co-worker and myself. This seems pretty natural to me, as one won't have great chemistry with everyone they work with. But as I was analyzing these conflicts, all pretty minor, I soon realized that all these situations or issues were with a female co-worker.

I'm not writing about this to throw shade at these women, but to raise an important question: Why are (some) women quick to be threatened by another woman's position of power or try to "overpower" a female co-worker?  

For the past (school) year, I have been at the top of an organization, where those who have the same job title as I do are men. I have a second job, where I am basically at entry-level, the same as my co-workers. Yet, the only people who have challenged my work or position have been female.

My generation of millennials often discuss and support feminism, and yet we falter to the same issue as generations before ours. Its so strange that women, the protectors, advocates, and progressors for feminism, are often the sex that acts the least feminist.

TO show how prevalent this is in American culture, let's time travel back to 2004, when Mean Girls came into our lives:

I love Mean Girls as much as the next person, maybe more. Let's remember that this movie is a comedy, which exaggerated behaviors of teen girls at the time. 

Nothing in this movie is a problem and we all find it so funny because we can all relate to some aspect of the storyline. (Not to mention the genius of Tina Fey & Co.) There is, however, a big problem with this film, as it shows fugly truths about our culture. 

As if the constant slut-shaming wasn't enough... Women slut-shame women just as much as men do. Ok, that's ridiculous. How is it that patriarchal ideas and behaviors seeped into the lives of women? 

Women have a strong desire to be viewed and treated as equals, but when we begin to adapt cultural traits that are often anti-women or uphold the idea that men are, for some reason, better than women. This is applicable to the workforce, as well. I never thought that I would receive the most undeserved negativism. I know that I'm not the only woman who has experienced these things.

To work toward fixing this issue, women must be kinder to one another. It's hard enough for women to be respected, to find a good job where you get paid even 3/4ths of what a man in the same position makes, to attain a degree, to not be made fun of when she's having a bad day, to know that people value your intelligence more than your looks (which hardly ever happens, it seems), or a multitude of other behaviors and beliefs that control at least half of our nation's population.

Honestly, I have probably heard and equal amount of slut-shaming coming from men and women, but I've never had a man act as if threatened by my job title. Everything I have gained in college has been earned, not given. 

When I was younger, I was close-minded and ignorant in some ways, one in which I was fine with slut-shaming and even sometimes condemning of a woman expressing/accepting her sexuality. As soon as I understood what I was saying in this and the negative impacts it could have on other people, I stopped. Men have been granted permission by our culture (compiled by both men and women *gasp*) to embrace and flaunt their sexuality.  

America, I think its time to move past the misogyny, already. 

People are people are people. Black, white, tan, purple, blue, green, gay straight, bi, lesbian, trannsexual, asexual, queer, non-gendered, polyamorous, tall, short, thick, thin,  rich, poor, WHATEVER. We all deserve to be treated with the same kindness and respect you would show to Abraham Lincoln. 

It's only fair. 

Who knows if this double standard will die in our lifetime, but I hope I see the day. There are great people in this country who are put down or who put others down regularly. Life is temporary. Being selfish isn't going to get you any closer to eternity than the rest of us. Mortality is our (and the rest of life on this entire earth's) reality.

Humanity must change before we all become cold, shiny, hard plastic.