The D-Word

In life, we all experience different scares: medical concerns, a low bank-balance, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, an unexpected pregnancy, failing a final exam, getting lost in a foreign country, or even an upcoming college graduation. Whatever the case may be, life and all it's uncertainty can scare anyone.

For married people, I find that the scariest thing is the idea of divorce.

Think about your wedding day (even if you haven't gotten married.) Think about loving someone so much that you vow to forever spend your life with that person. Think about years going by, happiness filling your home, and then it all turns cold and grey.

Try to image why it would be frightening. I find it scary simply because getting divorced would mean that everyday, I would wake up without my best friend beside me, my lover to dance with to my favorite songs, my companion to explore the world with, my buddy to share jokes with, my chosen life partner. The ultimate terror for me, is to imagine the possibility of no longer loving or being loved by (completely, unwaveringly, wholly, unquestionably) my husband.

If you watched The Office, consider how sad and confusing it was when we thought that Jim and Pam's marriage was headed for divorce? It can happen to anyone... That's why Dylan and I have discussed the possibility.

We've received a good amount of backlash about our openness to the topic of divorce. The way we look at it, we didn't know that we would be who we are today (after just 4 years of marriage), so who is to say that we will still be a good match 30 years from now? When we got married, I was 18 and Dylan was 22. We've grown more in 4 years than we could have guessed, but I honestly believe that we grew together, and I know that is a blessing.

Through our divorce-discussion, we have promised to always be friends. Maybe not best friends, or anything, but still be hopeful for the other's success and happy in their life adventure. We can't guarantee what would happen if we did split, but we hope to never lose all of our love.

My parents got divorced, so I know first-hand that there are life-long effects afterwards. About half of the married couples that you know will get divorced. That's scary. Now, is it that humans aren't actually meant to have long-lasting monogamous relationships? I can't answer that, but I do know that if you consistently remember to take care of yourself and your spouse, your love should thrive and bloom every day.

Love isn't perfect. Love can't fix everything. Love is a fragile little thing that must be protected from the evils of the world. Don't let the little things get under your skin. Pull those skeletons out of your closet and you won't have to deal with any ghosts haunting you. Keep love-sucking vampires out of our life. Address an issue before it becomes a monster. Fill your love with light and you'll no longer have anything to fear.

15 Common Romantic Gestures That Are Often Forgotten

First and foremost, this post is a response to Though Catalog's "21 Uncommon Romantic Gestures That Would Make Any Girl Melt."

It seems to me that women (and some men) address topics like this on social media all the time. There have been TONS of blog posts that drop "hints" (more like A-bombs) as to what kinds of romantic gestures one could do to woo their significant other. Well, THIS blog post is about the romantic gestures that are done basically every day, that are taken for granted and simply forgotten.

1. Take Out the Trash
It smells, I know, but mundane activities like this are vital to keeping the romance alive. For example,  you two just came home from a swanky night out, ready to pounce on each other, but while you were gone, your dog got into the trash and the smelly destruction is strewn throughout the house. That's going to dampen (or more likely, ruin) the mood, right? Taking care of the boring stuff shows that you're responsible and that can open the door to more trust, respect, and overall romance.

2. Let Them Pick What to Watch on Netflix
Of course she wants to watch Gilmore Girls. So let her. What's a 45-minute episode of Loralai making bratty comments and Rory's dramatic love-triangle compared to you watching Star Trek by yourself while she reads in the other room? At least you'll get some cuddling in and doing something you don't find all that thrilling will allow her to see that you're willing to compromise. You never know, watching Gilmore Girls tonight may lead to watching Star Trek the next time you're sofa-slumming.

3. Help Cook Dinner
Even if you're not the chef in the home, lending a hand in the kitchen is actually really helpful (and super fun.) You get the chance to see them working on something that the two of you will enjoy together at dinner, so why not turn on some music and help out? You may even be able to steal a dance. I'll be damned if a slow-dance doesn't add romance!

4. Kill a S*****
In our home, the 6-letter word for an Eight-legged Creature From Hell is a swearword, which its use can condemn you to unspeakable embarrassment (in some from or another, I'll let your imagination do the rest.) If you know that your partner doesn't like bugs, saving them from a panic attack by ending that little hellion's life may just make your day a little better. And telling them that you killed it, will evoke some sort of "you're my hero" rewards. ;)

5. Let Them Rant
We all have bad days. Listening to your significant other rant about what ever is bothering them allows them not only to relieve some steam, but it can help you learn more about what makes them tick. As my husband says, sometimes you need to "Rubber Duck It," which means that in order to actually process something and move on, you may need to talk it out. When you let them rant, you show that you're a good listener, a key characteristic of great relationships. Therefore, a key to romance.

6. Make Coffee (or Tea) When You're the First One Up
When you're tired, you're more likely to have a bad day. If you're up early, start that coffee maker so your partner has one less time-taker-upper when they're in their morning routine. This way, they'll get their caffeine fix and it will be less-likely that they'll leave late, thus throwing off their whole day. Morning routines in our house are serious business, so when one of us jumps above the morning expectation, the other always finds it sweet.

7. Give Them Compliments, and Let Them Compliment You
When I say compliment, I mean use real compliments: smart, funny, understanding, patient, helpful, thoughtful, kind, inspiring, hard-working, proud, etc. Let them know that you value their soul and all the little things that make them special. Especially for women, I find that people sometimes shrug off compliments, but if you don't accept them, you'll stop getting them. One day, you'll be really sorry you ever said, "No, I'm not." Let them be romantic.

8. Ask Them About Their Day
Again, mundane is meaningful. When you take the time out of your busy/hectic/stressful/crazy day to ask how their's went, it really shows that you take them seriously and value their life experiences. Asking them about their day shows that no matter how much you have on your plate, you care about what they're up to or how they're feeling.

9. Pick Up Those Dirty Socks
Whether they're yours or your significant other's, taking care of your home is really important to your romantic lives. I mean, how can you get down and dirty if your bedroom is already dirty? Cleaning up after yourself around the house is one sure-fire way to ease tension and keep from having a pointless argument. Constant fighting/bickering is the death of romance.

10. Get Gasoline If You're Driving Their Car
Routine is super important to having a good day. Just like making coffee, if your partner has to stop on the way to work, they may get there late, which is just bad manners. When you're out and about together, make sure to stop for gas if they're running low. It's a small, super kind gesture that is so simple, but so thoughtful. You're partner will be grateful.

11. Don't Change the Radio Station
Another thing about being in the car, when you're on the road and that stupid song (that you know they love, but you despise) comes on the radio, don't turn the station. Let them sing the damn song and be happy, because look at it this way, three minutes of annoyance is much better than having them think that you're inconsiderate.

12. Tell Them That Stupid Joke Your Co-worker Told You and Made You Think of Them
Tell them anything that happened during the day that made you think of them. Send them the link to a cute cat video during the day or repeat the blonde joke your boss said at your three o'clock meeting. If you know it will make them laugh, share it. Keeping playfulness in you relationship is a really easy, and, not to mention, fun way to be romantic.

13. Replace the Toilet Paper Roll
...or put the toilet seat down. Let's be honest here, a lot of bad habits are often formed out of laziness. Even making the effort to break these habits shows that you can adapt. As humans, we should all strive to be ever-evolving, constantly working towards being the best version of ourselves that we can be. Making sure that we are becoming better can definitely be applied to our daily habits. And being awesome is totally romantic. *swoon*

14. Hold Hands
Physical intimacy is really, really, really, really important to romance. Even something such as holding hands (which can be labeled as low-key PDA) shows the world that you two belong together, which I don't know about you, but I'd scream my feelings for my husband from the top of Chase Tower in downtown Indianapolis. Trust me, holding hands leads to and arm around the waist to a kiss to several kisses to the we-better-close-the-door-before-someone-sees-this kind of stuff.

15. Say "I Love You"
Three words is all it takes to really convey how you feel about your significant other. Nothing in this world is more romantic to me than the fact that I know (and am told) every day, without a shadow of a doubt that I am and always will be the love of Dylan's life. You just can't beat that.

Remember, when you're out in the world living your lives, fill it with special moments that can be found in the everyday. You don't have to fill the house with vases of long-stem roses or buy expensive champagne to drink on a horse-drawn carriage ride though the city to be romantic. Just being yourself is romantic enough.

Under Pressure?

Every single person all across the world deals with the same 6-letter word: STRESS.

When dealing with stress, many people get frustrated and irritated. College, work, money, time-management, pets/children, and family are often some of the biggest causes for stress. What we all need to remember is that when you're stressed, don't take it out on other people. Of course you may not be able to control an overwhelmingly busy schedule, but you can control how you react to it and how you treat others while under stress.

I've had college friends who get really stressed during the semester, especially during midterms and finals, who handle stress by screaming at everyone, when it has often been their own procrastination that added the unneeded stress. (I procrastinate from time to time, as well, so I can identify with that annoying, self-made stress.) I'm a huge advocate for accountability, so keeping yourself in check with your attitude and tasks leads to a better use of time, which lowers stress. Being mean and negative only adds more stress, which can cause more fighting, guilty feelings for acting out, and with the added stress, you can even become ill.

Stress can cause tension in a romantic relationship, too. It is of the utmost importance, in this case, not to let those negative emotions become a cancer in your life.

Disclaimer: I am beyond lucky to have married the man that I did. We seem to always be on the same page and always seek to understand each other in all situations. I think that this is why I've compared my friendship with my husband to my friendships with my friends. Dylan is first and foremost my best friend. He makes me feel good about myself, he compliments and encourages me, he helps me when I need it, and he allows me to fully be myself, no matter the circumstances.

This past week, I've encountered the inevitable midterms. On top of those midterms, I've been managing a literary magazine, tutoring in my university's writing center, maintaing a marriage and several friendships, along with dealing with some overwhelming (and, to be honest, depressing) family situations. With all of that being said, I'm not Wonder Woman, so how do I manage the stress?

I hold TIGHT to my husband. I let him be my anchor in the storm that surrounds me in almost every waking second of my life. I've been stressed before, but in the past week, I've been STRESSED. When you're going through a tough time, you need to be able to come home to a positive force that can help you relax, even if just for 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes of encouragement is the foundation of the support system that we all need. Think about it this way, in places where earthquakes are more frequent, buildings are build differently, as they require a strong foundation. Be the type of partner that can be relied on when the going gets tough.

Personally, in my marriage, stress often pulls us closer together. I know that I can lean on him and he knows that he can lean on me. Being married is like being on a team and the better you can communicate and relate to each other, the stronger the chemistry will be.

After a long, difficult day I literally need my husband. Together, we have a bubble, where we can support each other to keep going, to work harder, to focus on what needs to be done, all while incorporating a love-based atmosphere. Work towards finding your own inner strength, be thoughtful towards your partner when they're stressed, and be open to that fact that human beings can only handle so much and sometimes, you really can't do everything.

Take a deep breath and keep your chin up, because in most cases, it really is mind over matter.

What's In A Name?

"What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet..." - William Shakespeare

As always, my guy Shakespeare has a point. In recent times, more and more women are deciding to forgo changing their last name to match their husband's after getting married. Some women do it for professional reasons and some keep their name in order to keep their connection to their family. Whatever the reason, this choice isn't one that should be taken lightly.

Before I met my husband, I had never known a married woman who hadn't changed their last name. As many people know, my mother-in-law kept her maiden name. She and my father-in-law even decided to give all of their children (3 boys and 1 girl) her last name, Martin, as their middle names. But for me, the decision to change my name was always easy. I used to be closed off to the idea that women would keep their maiden name, as I thought that the decision to not take a man's name kept the two individuals from being a cohesive family unit, that was obvious by the names alone. I was wrong about that, though. (A family is a family regardless of name, just as my best friends are my family. One of those best friends, Shelby has, along with her entire family, adopted me as part of their relation, to which I will be eternally grateful.)

I changed my name for many reasons. I wanted Dylan and I to be the first two pieces of our family and I wanted to follow the tradition. The most controversial reason, though, was that I no longer wanted to be immediately associated with MY family. My parents were divorced and I didn't grow up in either of my parent's homes. My mother didn't keep her married name after divorce, even though her children had that name, which made me feel even more so that I didn't need my maiden name.

I moved out of my grandma's house on my 18th birthday and in with my then-boyfriend. I got married at 18, as well, 2 weeks before I started college.

When I changed my name, I was able to become a different person, of sorts. No one that I've met in college has ever known me as Jennifer Brewer. And I like it that way. I wanted to become my own independent self without people thinking of my family. I have been able to establish the two-person family of Nissley in a positive way. With this name I have been a sorority member, an editor and a managing editor, a college student, an wanderlust enthusiast, a student ambassador, a writing tutor, an adventurer, a Matron of Honor, a leader, a friend, a sister, and a wife.

There was a lot of bad blood that I had and still have with some members of my biological family and in some cases, there will probably never be enough time or forgiveness that could ever re-built those relationships.

So I became a Nissley. A member of a fun, loving, thoughtful, respectful, and accepting family.

I've never regretted this choice, as it has helped me become the kind of person that I've always wanted to be. A new name for me meant a new association, therefore letting me shed the skin of my former self and the attachment that came with my given name. I believe that I am blessed and lucky to share the name of my husband, because he represents all the best parts of myself. He challenges me every single day to be the best person I can be, and to be HIS family... That's a decision I can be proud of.

What Goes Around Comes Around

If you know very much about me, you know that I am a strong believer in karma: what goes around comes around. Most people believe in some sort of higher power, which can include all different ideas and forms. I'm pretty firm in my stance that energy is the most powerful source in the universe and therefore I believe that if you put out bad, bad will come to you and if you put out good, good will come to you.

Albert Einstein said, "Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." Science is vast and mystical being, to which I certainly will never understand, but one that I very highly believe in. Without science there would be no electricity, medicine, exploration or knowledge of space/the universe, plastic or foam, clean running water or soap to bathe, cameras or print photos, cars or airplanes, internet, all sorts of tools, or even condoms. If our entire world basically revolves around science, who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to question the power or intensity of science? 

Back to the idea of karma, Newton's Third Law states, "For every action there is equal and opposite reaction." Surely this can be applied to something like human energy. Human beings are possibly the most complex beings in our universe, which is why I believe that karma could indeed be an actual scientific principle. 

As you know, I am a writer, not a scientist, but just the fact that I can ponder the strength of science in a powerful and theoretical proves it's strength, once again. 

When it comes to my everyday life, I have taken on the practice of karma. I put good out into the world everyday, because I make sure to go out of my way everyday to do something for someone else. It doesn't matter how big or small I've helped people, the point isn't to brag about the energy I release; the point is that I have received very positive rewards since I adapted to this practice. I don't do good things with an expectation that I will get good things in return, I just do them. 

If you look at your life and you see a lot of negative, consider what you've been putting out. This isn't to say that bad things never happen to good people, but being good isn't always enough. Again, this is all about energy, in my (and Einstein's) book. You can be kind and helpful, still seeing no results. I have started my own theory that if there isn't a sacrifice made on your behalf, there may be little to no result. The idea is that if you put something out and expect nothing, you are being selflessly helpful to your fellow man, being, or planet. 

You may be pissed at me right now. I understand, but keep reading. 

York University has recently conducted a study wherein they found that small acts of kindness can benefit your emotional well-being. (FYI: York University is a public, research-oriented college in Toronto, Ontario and it is Canada's third-largest university.) Now, the way I presented karma may seem somewhat different from what I'm saying in relation to this article, but when you think about it, it should make sense. If you do things for other people, you'll start to feel better within yourself, which can lead to great opportunities. You're not going to win the lottery by paying for someone's coffee, but you'll gain confidence, which can help you get a great new job or attract other people (platonic or romantic, you never know...) who are happy, kind, and giving. 

It all comes back to the idea that good creates good. My advice: Be thoughtful and compassionate without expectations and, one way or another, positive reactions will be returned to you.