Merry Christmas From "That Married Girl!": A Holiday Movie Couple Countdown

Around the holidays, we typically spend a lot of extra time with those that we love, including our significant others. My Christmas gift to my little Marys (the nickname I have given to my loyal blog-readers) is a countdown of the best holiday movie couples and what we can all learn from them!

10. Judy and Phil, White Christmas

In this film, Phil and Judy start their coupledom by pretending to be engaged in order to get his duet partner and her sister together, but in the end, these two actually fell in love. What we can take from these lovebirds is that you never know when you will fall in love or with who. (Not to mention that Danny Kaye and Vera-Ellen were a match made in dancing heaven!) 

9. Jack and Gabby, Jack Frost

Jack and Gabby have a very interesting relationship as his spirit inhabits a snowman after Jack's death. These two show us that love can be very difficult and trying, but through insurmountable odds, it can triumph over anything. 

8. Buddy and Jovi, Elf

An obvious holiday movie favorite to just about every living being that has even a dash of a sense of humor, Elf has a wonderful message about love. Buddy begins a quest to meet his parents in New York City, but while he's there, he also finds love. Buddy and Jovi are fun, kind, and they both understand that love thrives when you're being yourself. 

7. Kate and Jack, The Family Man

Jack wakes up to a life that isn't his. Suddenly this single, wealthy man is married to his ex-girlfriend and they also have children together. At first, he hates what his life has become and tries desperately to reclaim his bachelorhood. After some time, he realizes that this life is exactly what he wants, but then he wakes up. Back in his single life, he sees that this family life and marriage are truly what matters the most. At the end of the film, he is on his way to rekindling the romance that initially slipped through his fingers. Here, we are taught that nothing is really worth anything at all without true love in your life. 

6. The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who, How the Grinch Stole Christmas

He's a mean one, Mr Grinch. 

Well, until the unwavering faith of a young girl helps him see that Christmas means much more than gifts. Cindy Lou Who's determination to not give up on The Grinch is something we can all aspire toward in our love life. Remember that we are all human and that even when things are rough, there are sun-filled days ahead. 

5. Linus and Sally, A Charlie Brown Christmas

Real love can begin at any age. Even though Linus' love for his dear blanket clouded him from accepting Sally's love, I believe that they ended up together. Tride and true devotion on Sally's part is what makes this couple so cute. Love is powerful and it will find a way.

4. Ralphie and the Red Rider BB gun, A Christmas Story

Ralphie certainly didn't shoot his eye out, but he did realize that you must be careful with what you love. This is important in relationships, too. You can yearn for something or someone, but if you mistreat it or them, there will be consequences for your actions. Love can be very fragile, but take care of it and you will never break your partner's glasses heart. 

3. Kate and Brad, Four Christmases

Playing a sexy round of "Stranger at a Bar." Going on a holiday getaway. These two are my kind of people! But, unfortunately, when Brad and Kate's flight is cancelled on Christmas, these two are stuck visiting their divorced parents, leading to four crazy Christmases in one day. These two give us insight into making it through the tough days. Laughter, honesty, and communication are key. Always remember that you are a team, and yes, you CAN make it through the holidays with your coo-coo, nuts, insane, straight-jacket-wearing family! 

2. Kevin and The Wet Bandits, Home Alone

Kevin and the two Wet Bandits may not exactly be a great idea of a "couple," but you know there is a lesson to learn here. Kevin, at 8 years old, defended his family home against to scummy robbers, with homemade weapons, no gun. This teaches us that you must fight for what you love, and who you love. You can't give up, you can't quit. Kevin prevailed. Love prevails. 

1. George and Mary, It' a Wonderful Life

"What is it you want, Mary? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey. That's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon, Mary." - George Bailey

At #1, we have my favorite Christmas couple. Black and white film, two striking actors, and a retro holiday set. What more could you ask for?  I could list at least a dozen quotes from this film that apply to things that everyone can aspire to in their love life. George and Mary are in love. They work through the hard times. They laugh. They encourage each other. They have passion for each other. They make it through the Great Depression while raising a big family. They never give up on love. These two sum up the entirety of the previous lessons on this list. Of course, times have changed and we have modern technology that distracts us, but this kind of love is certainly still possible. Love is more than a time period or an era, it is the catalyst for the most amazing, rewarding life that can exist. The holidays are made even more rich by being surrounded by love and being in love.

Gather those near and dear to you this Christmas and remember that you are loved and blessed, no matter how many gifts are under your tree, no matter how many cards you receive. Love is all around, soak it in, and celebrate.

God?

Over the past year or two, I've seen at least a few dozen posts about the same basic thing:

I got married at 18 to the BEST human being I have ever met. So, what exactly does this kind of thing mean?  The only individuals that I have seen make these types of posts are women. Are single women now bashing others who got married before them? Statements like "SINGLE AND WAITING FOR GOD'S BEST!" offend me. Does your religion have to be a public forum?

Now, I really have no idea where it is that I lay in regards to religion and the idea of a higher power, but that doesn't affect my position here. For me, my exploration in relation to God and religion is completely private, something I don't even discuss with my husband. When women share these types of posts, what they don't take into consideration is those people in their lives, who are important to them, that are married, engaged, or in a relationship. I take these types of posts to say, "HEY! Married person! You obviously didn't marry the BEST, because you didn't wait as long as me!" (Should those people ever even get married.) This comes across as a publicity stunt. 

I think these types of beliefs and posts are embarrassing. Owning the fact that you haven't met a mate, rather than saying that it is God's doing, is much more sensible. Would you want to show this to you parents? What if they got married young? Do you think that they didn't marry the best person for them? 

Now, I'm sure that there are single women in the world who see the way I do. Why is it that our culture so quickly says that God has a hand in our falling in love? Atheists fall in love. Wiccans fall in love. People who have never even had an opportunity to explore any sort of religion fall in love. If someone doesn't believe in God, or worship God in the same way someone who agrees with the "waiting for God's best" mindset, does that mean that they don't deserve to have the BEST significant other for them? 

Yes, on the U.S. dollar, "In God We Trust" is printed, but isn't that unfair to other people who don't share these ideals? Americans seem too often involved with Christianity to the point of single-mindedness. These sorts of ideas also do not take into consideration that you may date or marry someone of a different religion--or even NO religion. 

If you ask me, love is more scientific than religious. 

What I'm trying to say here is that in order to actually find love and be open to different people in your life, holding yourself accountable is more important than hoping and praying to find love. If someone is really wanting to get married, it's important to take steps toward that and make an effort. Just like anything great, with the help of God or not, there is work involved. 

If you are single and feel like you're just waiting around, re-evaluate what you think it is that you want in a partner. Look in the mirror and in your heart to see if you are actually available to be in a relationship. Do you fulfill your own life? Are you a good person or do you just wear the mask of a good person? Are your standards realistic? I ask these types of question because I've known a lot of people who have been really interested in someone they barely know, but completely brush off someone that has similar values and whatnot because they don't think that person is "good looking enough" for them.  

Love has no rules or real explanations, so why force so many complexities into the same category as love? Let it be and try to remember that YOU are responsible for your life. 

Getting Lost and Finding Yourself

On Tuesday of this week, I was feeling very uncertain. I have been quite busy during the final exam frenzy that accompanies every semester's end, and in that, I began to lose myself. I decided to take some time out of my day to be all alone and get lost in the world, lost in thought.

The Indianapolis Museum of Art has a large plot of land called 100 Acres, which has outdoor art installations riddled through the several paths that revolve around a small lake. All along one stretch of path are little, white signs that say and point to various things. Being the explorer that I am, I wandered into a mass of these signs, in order to take a photo when a young British man, probably not much older than I am, asked, "Are you trying to follow the signs somewhere?"

I answered no.

Later on, as I walked a bit more I thought, Yeah, I guess I am. In some ways I am looking at all of the events that have occurred in my life and all the people who have come, some have stayed and some have gone. Maybe these are the signs I'm hoping to lead me toward the "right" path

That man was the only person I encountered while I was in the woods, yet he asked me the most meaningful question I've been asked in years. Innocent as it was, it inspired me to dig deep into myself and find who I am. Sometimes you have to wander around and lose your entire sense of direction in order to find yourself. Allowing myself to get caught in the inertia of the trees that are forever unwavering, I was able to be undistracted and focus on me. 

As a woman in American society, I find it hard to escape the expectations that so many people, even strangers, have. I want to be a leader. I crave it. The likelihood that I will be able to surpass my fellow male peers, no matter how good I am at what I do, is minimal. I find that very troubling. If I know who I am, who I was born to be, and cannot fulfill that because I was born a female, what does that say about our society? What if I'm better than all the men? 

In some ways it is challenging to comprehend the leadership of women. How many female role models are there in American media that haven't been called fat, sexy, stupid, "masturbation material," whore, ugly, bitch, crazy, has her sexuality questioned, or has been said that she does her job well, "for a woman"?

Did you know that in film, only 16% of protagonists are female? The majority of these roles have to do with marriage, dating, pregnancy, or motherhood. I know many people may be asking, "What about the movies that focus on a woman who runs a company?" Let's take a look: In The Devil Wears Prada, the female boss is rude, condescending, judgmental, and upholds American beauty standards that trivializes women's role in society and in the workforce, then to top it all off, she is lonely and unhappy. That is just one example.

How did we, as the Americans who make up our society and culture, get to this point? Often times, we blame society for it's problems, but we ARE society. In films from the 1920's and 1930's, female characters could be a wife and mother, the femme fatal, the seductress, be witty and complex, all within the same character, so why is it that women are equivalent to a sexual object in 2014?

Somewhere along the way on this walk I took, I realized that the only human being I owe anything to is myself. I owe myself love, forgiveness, patience, and most of all, understanding. No one can completely control how the worlds treats them, but we certainly can control how we treat ourselves. Be nice to you. Eat healthy and exercise. Write and read and draw and laugh. 

To succeed in any and all aspects of your life, including relationships with lovers, friends, family, along with your education and work, you have to be who you are at all times. Pretending doesn't get anyone anything, except emptiness. To live a full, rich life, you cannot run away. You have to face fears and most of those fears lie within ourselves. 

What I mean to say is that I found myself in the woods. I believe that I have successes in store that I cannot even begin to imagine, yet I have no one's shoes to fill because women are next-to-never at the top of the ladder. My mind is much more powerful than my body. I urge all people, but especially women, to take the time to discover the deepest aspects of themselves and try to determine what kind of roles you are destined to fill. 

We only have one go at this thing. Spend some time all alone in the woods and get acquainted with yourself; You never want to lose you. 

The "Secret" to Getting Married

First and foremost, you must know that there is no actual secret.

You may get married when you're 18, 35, or 60.
You may never get married.

I'll admit, some people are more inclined to get married, maybe because of their charming personality, gorgeous features, a headstrong attitude, a heart so big that everyone who meets them falls in love, or maybe someone who wants a family. You get the drift. Relationships, and eventually marriage, can come very easily for some.

The thing that should be quite obvious, but is what I see women (and men) NOT doing, which could ultimately be the "secret"? You have to be going on dates or to events or parties in order to truly meet someone. Notice how I didn't mention online dating or bar-hopping?

With online dating, I have seen many of my friends make a profile (on OkCupid, eHarmony, PlentyOfFish, Match.com, or GOD FORBID Tinder) and then either: A. Use it for two days and quit. B. End up sexting. Bar-hopping may get you a phone number from a hot guy/girl, but at the end of that phone number typically hangs a one-night stand.

Here's what I have found in my own love-life. I went out on the first date with my husband while I was already dating someone else. Now, I'll have you know that I wasn't serious with the other guy, which he was okay with because he knew I didn't want to be in a relationship at that time due to having ended a nearly-year-long relationship just 6 weeks before. I didn't want to get into a relationship with anyone at all. The point here is that I wasn't looking.

I know that many people have known couples that have had trouble conceiving, right? And often times, those couples quit 'trying' and then get pregnant. It happens.

I believe that love and a worth-while relationship can be the same way. Once you let you guard down, you will likely seem more approachable and attractive to others. This issue with a good amount (not necessarily all) singles, particularly women, is that there is a fine line between looking for a partner and being desperate to find one. You can't ask someone if they're going to be your boyfriend simply because you kissed them one time. That's insane.

You can't be afraid to try a new experience or go somewhere that you don't know very many people. Love, dating, and sex aren't things to be afraid of and you don't have to be afraid of not getting married in your twenties. It's okay. There's no expiration date on love.

We all have a certain idea of the KIND of person we are looking for, but if you literally have a list that goes on and on with specifics, don't expect to find any one person who will meet every requirement. The thing with the whole "list" state-of-mind is that what you think you are looking for may not actually be the type of person that you are compatible with. If you keep looking for someone who hits the criteria and you have the wrong criteria for you, as a human being, you may just be repeating the same situation, date, relationship over and over again. This isn't to say that you have no choice in the type of partner that you may marry, but if you let expectations (which could very well be quite unrealistic) block the innate chemistry you may have with someone just because they aren't Ryan Gosling- or Mila Kunis-esque, you could miss out on someone who is perfect for you.

As in all aspects of my life, I believe in fate. If you are intended to meet someone tomorrow and fall in love, so be it. If you're destined to fall in love 30 years from now, just be patient. And if you don't want to ever get married at all, that's fine, too.

The secret? Don't live a life full of fear and just be yourself.

22 Things That I Am Thankful For

This Thanksgiving, I want to share just a short list of things that I am thankful for. Since I am 22 years old, I decided to choose one special something that makes me thankful to represent each year of my life.

1. Lena Dunham
I am thankful for Lena because she has opened the minds of many young women to the ideas of feminism. All growing up, I was like so many others. I thought that Feminism was about women being better than men, but that isn't what it means. Lena has shown people that equality of the sexes is important no mater what name it goes by. She's a popular icon in the media, bringing light to women's issues, because those issues are also human issues.

2. Growing Up With A Sister
I am so thankful for growing up with a sister. Even though Stephanie and I yearned for a brother, she taught me a lot. I was able to grow up with someone by my side who understood my experiences as a young woman. This ties right back into Feminism. She taught me that I can do anything, so really my sister was my first Feminist role model. I was lucky to have someone who understood broken hearts, periods, how it felt for a boy to snap your bra straps in the middle school hallway, among many other things. Thanks, sis.

3. Ex-Boyfriends
I'm thankful for those pesky ex's. I have loved and hated these men, but they gave me important lessons. They taught me that compliments aren't love, that disrespect isn't acceptable, that buying my dinner doesn't mean that I should marry someone, that physical violence is destructive to the confidence and self-worth of another person, but mostly, they taught me that I deserved better.

4. Friends That Became Family
For Jessica, Shelby, Lori, Moose, Kandice, Cydney, Juan, Sarah, Katherine, Tyler, Samantha, Lee, Raneem, Paige, Tom, Ashlie, Jess E., Eddie, Andrea, Geanette, Olivia, Caleb, Rachelle, Dustin, Nicholas, Nathan, and so may others.

5. Compliments
I am thankful for the compliments that other people give me. From saying "thank you" for something I said, to complimenting my appearance, these little things may seem so small in passing, but they mean a lot to me. I have had self-esteem issues since I was a child and I am really grateful to those who have helped me feel like I am enough. Thank you for helping me feel beautiful, inside and out, when I feel anything but.

6. Constructive Criticism
Along with compliments, I'm thankful for the criticism, too. The comments, tips, and feedback that people give me help me to be my best self. Even the mean critiques help me. So, keep that coming. In some cases, haters can absolutely be motivators!

7. Education
In May, I will have completed both high school and college. 18 years of education has been grueling at times, but I am thankful for it, nonetheless. My college degree was earned by just me, which gives me the proof that I am an intelligent and hard-working young woman. Powerful and full of potential.

8. Music
I am so incredibly thankful for music. I am consistently inspired, moved, motivated, empowered, and invigorated by music. (Shoutout to Taylor Swift, who always, always, always makes me feel like an individual, like I am worthy of greatness, like there is nothing I can't do.) Music has helped me push though a rough childhood and gave me a connection to a life that was greater than I could imagine in those years. I owe music my life.

9. Financial Stability
I'm thankful for being able to afford rent, food, clothing, and all my basic needs, along with so much more. So may people are struggling, but I have the ability to not only keep myself afloat, but help those around me who need it. I'm so grateful.

10. Sadie, My Civic
I am thankful for something that I earned, that I love, and that is reliable. She's a beautiful little car and I feel so blessed for the ability to have a possession that is a nice as my baby, Sadie.

11. Holidays
Holidays always make me thankful. These days are built into our culture, days that are made to celebrate the greatness of life and give us time to spend with people we love. I love the holiday season and the fact that people's kindness shines through. Holidays are a great example of how we could all be every day of the year.

12. Clocks and Calendars
Weird, I know. I am really thankful for the marking of time and events in our lives. Fun fact, even since I was in high school, I have kept my calendars and planners. I love that I can look back and see events and time that I spent with people marked on a page. Our memories don't always recall all the time we have spent with others that we love, but keeping old calendars allows me to take a look at my past and gives me a flood of those those special times.

13. My Mom
She makes me crazy, but she gave me life, and for that, along with her friendship, support, and love, I will forever be thankful. I love you, Mom.

14. Wine
And my mom also makes me thankful for wine. ;) Just kidding, Mom! But seriously a nice glass of wine on a stressful day or on Thanksgiving morning can make a day oh-so-grand!

15. My Fellow Writers
For feedback and being understanding of my freakish creative process, thank you.

16. Independence 
I'm thankful for the ability to be myself, in every situation. I can't be anyone but myself, no matter the expectations of others. I will always be true to myself. I will never apologize for my personality, my opinions, or what I stand for. Love me or hate me, like it or leave it. I AM THANKFUL FOR ME.

17. My Dogs, Tucker and Shiloh
T's 5th birthday is on Monday (12/1) and I am thankful for the past 4 years that I have gotten to spend with him. Shiloh just turned 12 in September and I am thankful for all the years he has been in my life. Dogs bring light to even the darkest days. I owe these two guys so much!

18. Social Media
I'm actually thankful for social media because it gives me an opportunity to share so much with the people in my life. I love that I can share my opinions on anything from lipstick to Grand Jury rulings, and without social media, having a true voice wouldn't be so easy.

19. Stress-Baking
Lawd, where would I be without stress-baking?! I am so thankful that I enjoy baking and it is a stress reliever, because without baking, I would never make it through midterms, finals, projects, or college in general.

20. Glasses
I am so extremely grateful for science, especially that which lead to the creation of glasses. I have very bad vision (legally blind without my glasses!!) I cannot help but consider how different my life would be without clear vision. Also, I'm thankful for lenses wipes.

21. Tradition
Without tradition, I wouldn't have intense feelings of nostalgia, especially around the holidays. I am thankful for many memories that surround all the fun and wonderful traditions that I carry out every year. With these, I feel like I am carrying a part of my loved ones that are no longer living into the lives of those around me, with my husband, and someday, my children.

22. The Love of My Life, My Husband, Dylan
Every year, every day, every minute, I am in love. For that alone, I will be forever thankful. Dylan has taught me many lessons about life and about myself. He listens and understands my struggles and respects my past. He never makes me feel like I need to hide, or that I, as myself I am not enough. Dylan builds me up and continues to love me through my imperfections. I am thankful for 6 YEARS (on Saturday 11/29) of his smile, his kisses, his love, his trust, his respect, his kindness. I'm thankful for the love that we have build and our ability to always work together as a team. He is my partner, my best friend, my lover, my audience, my husband. Thank you so much for everything you do for me and for us. You are, without a single shadow of a double, my soulmate.

Whatever you are thankful for, share it. Happy Thanksgiving!

For When You Mess Up

We all make mistakes. We often feel stupid/ embarrassed/ mad/ guilty when we make them, which may or may not be a good way to handle what happened. There a millions ways that humans mess up on a regular basis: forget to call, say something unkind, lie (even if to spare someone's feelings), accidentally/purposely break something, cheat on significant other, act selfishly, etc. The list goes on for days. We're humans and we're imperfect.

So, what should you do when you mess up? Sometimes it's big, sometimes it's little. First I suggest putting the situation into perspective. Let's say you go to meet your partner for lunch and you forgot that they had a work meeting. Maybe you text him/her a few times after you get to their workplace, but since they are in a meeting, you don't get a response. Maybe you start sending them less and less friendly messages, until they finally are out of the meeting. Suddenly, you're reminded of the meeting and instantly regret what you did. Depending on how your significant other reacts, you can either apologize or just let it go and move on.

Here's an example from my own life: Last night, the literary and art magazine that I am managing editor for had it's fall 2014 release party. At this event, staff members were running all over campus trying to set up for the event. Once the event was over, I realized that my iPhone was missing. I looked under all the auditorium chairs, on tables, in couches, until I realized that I must have left my phone at the library's information desk. I went to the desk to see if they found a phone and they did not. My husband checked his coat pockets and went to check in the car and it wasn't there, either. I went back to the information desk to double check and a sweet, sweet older gentleman said he would check the security surveillance. After a bit, he came to me and said that they could see that took my phone with me. At that point, I figured that I had set down on an event table and someone picked it up. I looked at Dylan again and asked, "Are you positive you don't have it? Check your pockets, again." He pulled my phone from his pants pocket. Some of the magazine staff stayed with me, trying to figure out what had happened and they all had a good laugh once we found my phone.

When walking to our car to head our for post-party drinks, I asked Dylan to look at me. I gave him a little smirk and said, "That's all I'm going to say about it."

So even when crazy shit happens, you can still keep your head high and forgive. You can't be mad forever over a mistake. Dylan had moved my coat earlier that evening and had my phone fallen out and disappeared, I still would have forgiven him. It may have taken more than a few days, but I would have forgiven him, in the end.

That's what it's all about, being in love and being human. If you can't let go of the mistakes people make, even in your friendships, you won't move forward. That's where enemies lie, in the toxicity that ruminates from unforgiving hearts. Put it into perspective and always remember that a person is not the some of their mistakes. All of our mistakes are fuel to make us better people in the future, fuel to grow beyond what is measurable.

You Are In Love

It was not love at first sight. I did not fall in love on the first date, nor the second. I can't pin-point where in time it actually was that I fell in love with Dylan, but it happened somewhere between our third and fourth dates. It crept up on me slowly and I knew that I liked him quite a bit when my feelings were hurt after he didn't kiss me on date #3.

So many people expect a huge violins-playing-in-the-background moment when they fall in love with the "right" person. I don't know how others experience it, the whole awkwardness of discovering your commonalities, establishing a friendship, beginning to feel comfortable even though you're nervous enough to vomit 10 minutes before you see them feel nauseous.

I suppose I realized that I was in love when I starting telling my friends that he was different, when I didn't share all the details with them because I wanted to keep them for myself, when I took several hours on a hand-written letter that I gave to Dylan on Valentine's Day-- our fourth date.

I couldn't have planned for love. In fact, I was pretty content with the fact that I didn't want to be serious with anyone at that time, but fate is a funny thing. Dylan had never been in love before he met me and actually wasn't planning to ever get married; I was thinking that love was simply something I wasn't going to find in it's true form.

We had no clue what we were doing.

We never played emotional games with each other, which I'm very grateful for after seeing how many people try to manipulate others and/or play tug-of-war with someone's feelings. That shit just doesn't fly around here, a great indication of how mutual respect can be the foundation for the best relationships (friendships, too.)

Through our first dates, I couldn't express what I wanted from him and he didn't know to ask, but somehow we managed to meet at the same place, on the same path. We called it love.

***

Dylan asked me to marry him at "our spot," three days after my birthday, when the snow was ankle-deep. I'm sure he knew that the proposal would be a success, considering I was willing to walk at least a mile in the 12 degree weather on an unsuspecting Sunday afternoon. That's how I see love. That's how I see marriage.

You do anything you can to ensure that your love will last. You do all kinds of things you aren't thrilled about to facilitate your partner's happiness. I let him Google fact-check, even when I know that I'm right. He lets me ramble on and on about the complexities of life. I understand that he needs alone time to process his day. He knows that I'm a little too wild sometimes, but he loves me for that, too. We're imperfect. 

What marriage boils down to is the "how" of the thing. Dylan and I have discussed this for ages, but we both keep coming back to the conclusion that we are soulmates, if there ever was such a thing. We love, deeply and we challenge each other to be the best we can be. He wants me to succeed in every aspect of my life and I encourage him every single day to be true to himself. We disagree sometimes, but eventually we see each other's perspective. Marriage isn't really all that much work, but it does take effort to treat your partner with the highest levels of respect, dignity, and love. We are always seeking to be a better listener or comforter or more understanding. If you aren't best friends, how can you call it love?

So I answered, "Yes."

Even though we had no clue if it would work out. Even though I was 18. Even though we were broke at the time. Even though we knew it would be a risk, in some ways. All of the events that took place in my life before him lead me directly to "yes." 

The D-Word

In life, we all experience different scares: medical concerns, a low bank-balance, the death of a loved one, the loss of a job, an unexpected pregnancy, failing a final exam, getting lost in a foreign country, or even an upcoming college graduation. Whatever the case may be, life and all it's uncertainty can scare anyone.

For married people, I find that the scariest thing is the idea of divorce.

Think about your wedding day (even if you haven't gotten married.) Think about loving someone so much that you vow to forever spend your life with that person. Think about years going by, happiness filling your home, and then it all turns cold and grey.

Try to image why it would be frightening. I find it scary simply because getting divorced would mean that everyday, I would wake up without my best friend beside me, my lover to dance with to my favorite songs, my companion to explore the world with, my buddy to share jokes with, my chosen life partner. The ultimate terror for me, is to imagine the possibility of no longer loving or being loved by (completely, unwaveringly, wholly, unquestionably) my husband.

If you watched The Office, consider how sad and confusing it was when we thought that Jim and Pam's marriage was headed for divorce? It can happen to anyone... That's why Dylan and I have discussed the possibility.

We've received a good amount of backlash about our openness to the topic of divorce. The way we look at it, we didn't know that we would be who we are today (after just 4 years of marriage), so who is to say that we will still be a good match 30 years from now? When we got married, I was 18 and Dylan was 22. We've grown more in 4 years than we could have guessed, but I honestly believe that we grew together, and I know that is a blessing.

Through our divorce-discussion, we have promised to always be friends. Maybe not best friends, or anything, but still be hopeful for the other's success and happy in their life adventure. We can't guarantee what would happen if we did split, but we hope to never lose all of our love.

My parents got divorced, so I know first-hand that there are life-long effects afterwards. About half of the married couples that you know will get divorced. That's scary. Now, is it that humans aren't actually meant to have long-lasting monogamous relationships? I can't answer that, but I do know that if you consistently remember to take care of yourself and your spouse, your love should thrive and bloom every day.

Love isn't perfect. Love can't fix everything. Love is a fragile little thing that must be protected from the evils of the world. Don't let the little things get under your skin. Pull those skeletons out of your closet and you won't have to deal with any ghosts haunting you. Keep love-sucking vampires out of our life. Address an issue before it becomes a monster. Fill your love with light and you'll no longer have anything to fear.

15 Common Romantic Gestures That Are Often Forgotten

First and foremost, this post is a response to Though Catalog's "21 Uncommon Romantic Gestures That Would Make Any Girl Melt."

It seems to me that women (and some men) address topics like this on social media all the time. There have been TONS of blog posts that drop "hints" (more like A-bombs) as to what kinds of romantic gestures one could do to woo their significant other. Well, THIS blog post is about the romantic gestures that are done basically every day, that are taken for granted and simply forgotten.

1. Take Out the Trash
It smells, I know, but mundane activities like this are vital to keeping the romance alive. For example,  you two just came home from a swanky night out, ready to pounce on each other, but while you were gone, your dog got into the trash and the smelly destruction is strewn throughout the house. That's going to dampen (or more likely, ruin) the mood, right? Taking care of the boring stuff shows that you're responsible and that can open the door to more trust, respect, and overall romance.

2. Let Them Pick What to Watch on Netflix
Of course she wants to watch Gilmore Girls. So let her. What's a 45-minute episode of Loralai making bratty comments and Rory's dramatic love-triangle compared to you watching Star Trek by yourself while she reads in the other room? At least you'll get some cuddling in and doing something you don't find all that thrilling will allow her to see that you're willing to compromise. You never know, watching Gilmore Girls tonight may lead to watching Star Trek the next time you're sofa-slumming.

3. Help Cook Dinner
Even if you're not the chef in the home, lending a hand in the kitchen is actually really helpful (and super fun.) You get the chance to see them working on something that the two of you will enjoy together at dinner, so why not turn on some music and help out? You may even be able to steal a dance. I'll be damned if a slow-dance doesn't add romance!

4. Kill a S*****
In our home, the 6-letter word for an Eight-legged Creature From Hell is a swearword, which its use can condemn you to unspeakable embarrassment (in some from or another, I'll let your imagination do the rest.) If you know that your partner doesn't like bugs, saving them from a panic attack by ending that little hellion's life may just make your day a little better. And telling them that you killed it, will evoke some sort of "you're my hero" rewards. ;)

5. Let Them Rant
We all have bad days. Listening to your significant other rant about what ever is bothering them allows them not only to relieve some steam, but it can help you learn more about what makes them tick. As my husband says, sometimes you need to "Rubber Duck It," which means that in order to actually process something and move on, you may need to talk it out. When you let them rant, you show that you're a good listener, a key characteristic of great relationships. Therefore, a key to romance.

6. Make Coffee (or Tea) When You're the First One Up
When you're tired, you're more likely to have a bad day. If you're up early, start that coffee maker so your partner has one less time-taker-upper when they're in their morning routine. This way, they'll get their caffeine fix and it will be less-likely that they'll leave late, thus throwing off their whole day. Morning routines in our house are serious business, so when one of us jumps above the morning expectation, the other always finds it sweet.

7. Give Them Compliments, and Let Them Compliment You
When I say compliment, I mean use real compliments: smart, funny, understanding, patient, helpful, thoughtful, kind, inspiring, hard-working, proud, etc. Let them know that you value their soul and all the little things that make them special. Especially for women, I find that people sometimes shrug off compliments, but if you don't accept them, you'll stop getting them. One day, you'll be really sorry you ever said, "No, I'm not." Let them be romantic.

8. Ask Them About Their Day
Again, mundane is meaningful. When you take the time out of your busy/hectic/stressful/crazy day to ask how their's went, it really shows that you take them seriously and value their life experiences. Asking them about their day shows that no matter how much you have on your plate, you care about what they're up to or how they're feeling.

9. Pick Up Those Dirty Socks
Whether they're yours or your significant other's, taking care of your home is really important to your romantic lives. I mean, how can you get down and dirty if your bedroom is already dirty? Cleaning up after yourself around the house is one sure-fire way to ease tension and keep from having a pointless argument. Constant fighting/bickering is the death of romance.

10. Get Gasoline If You're Driving Their Car
Routine is super important to having a good day. Just like making coffee, if your partner has to stop on the way to work, they may get there late, which is just bad manners. When you're out and about together, make sure to stop for gas if they're running low. It's a small, super kind gesture that is so simple, but so thoughtful. You're partner will be grateful.

11. Don't Change the Radio Station
Another thing about being in the car, when you're on the road and that stupid song (that you know they love, but you despise) comes on the radio, don't turn the station. Let them sing the damn song and be happy, because look at it this way, three minutes of annoyance is much better than having them think that you're inconsiderate.

12. Tell Them That Stupid Joke Your Co-worker Told You and Made You Think of Them
Tell them anything that happened during the day that made you think of them. Send them the link to a cute cat video during the day or repeat the blonde joke your boss said at your three o'clock meeting. If you know it will make them laugh, share it. Keeping playfulness in you relationship is a really easy, and, not to mention, fun way to be romantic.

13. Replace the Toilet Paper Roll
...or put the toilet seat down. Let's be honest here, a lot of bad habits are often formed out of laziness. Even making the effort to break these habits shows that you can adapt. As humans, we should all strive to be ever-evolving, constantly working towards being the best version of ourselves that we can be. Making sure that we are becoming better can definitely be applied to our daily habits. And being awesome is totally romantic. *swoon*

14. Hold Hands
Physical intimacy is really, really, really, really important to romance. Even something such as holding hands (which can be labeled as low-key PDA) shows the world that you two belong together, which I don't know about you, but I'd scream my feelings for my husband from the top of Chase Tower in downtown Indianapolis. Trust me, holding hands leads to and arm around the waist to a kiss to several kisses to the we-better-close-the-door-before-someone-sees-this kind of stuff.

15. Say "I Love You"
Three words is all it takes to really convey how you feel about your significant other. Nothing in this world is more romantic to me than the fact that I know (and am told) every day, without a shadow of a doubt that I am and always will be the love of Dylan's life. You just can't beat that.

Remember, when you're out in the world living your lives, fill it with special moments that can be found in the everyday. You don't have to fill the house with vases of long-stem roses or buy expensive champagne to drink on a horse-drawn carriage ride though the city to be romantic. Just being yourself is romantic enough.

Under Pressure?

Every single person all across the world deals with the same 6-letter word: STRESS.

When dealing with stress, many people get frustrated and irritated. College, work, money, time-management, pets/children, and family are often some of the biggest causes for stress. What we all need to remember is that when you're stressed, don't take it out on other people. Of course you may not be able to control an overwhelmingly busy schedule, but you can control how you react to it and how you treat others while under stress.

I've had college friends who get really stressed during the semester, especially during midterms and finals, who handle stress by screaming at everyone, when it has often been their own procrastination that added the unneeded stress. (I procrastinate from time to time, as well, so I can identify with that annoying, self-made stress.) I'm a huge advocate for accountability, so keeping yourself in check with your attitude and tasks leads to a better use of time, which lowers stress. Being mean and negative only adds more stress, which can cause more fighting, guilty feelings for acting out, and with the added stress, you can even become ill.

Stress can cause tension in a romantic relationship, too. It is of the utmost importance, in this case, not to let those negative emotions become a cancer in your life.

Disclaimer: I am beyond lucky to have married the man that I did. We seem to always be on the same page and always seek to understand each other in all situations. I think that this is why I've compared my friendship with my husband to my friendships with my friends. Dylan is first and foremost my best friend. He makes me feel good about myself, he compliments and encourages me, he helps me when I need it, and he allows me to fully be myself, no matter the circumstances.

This past week, I've encountered the inevitable midterms. On top of those midterms, I've been managing a literary magazine, tutoring in my university's writing center, maintaing a marriage and several friendships, along with dealing with some overwhelming (and, to be honest, depressing) family situations. With all of that being said, I'm not Wonder Woman, so how do I manage the stress?

I hold TIGHT to my husband. I let him be my anchor in the storm that surrounds me in almost every waking second of my life. I've been stressed before, but in the past week, I've been STRESSED. When you're going through a tough time, you need to be able to come home to a positive force that can help you relax, even if just for 10 minutes. Those 10 minutes of encouragement is the foundation of the support system that we all need. Think about it this way, in places where earthquakes are more frequent, buildings are build differently, as they require a strong foundation. Be the type of partner that can be relied on when the going gets tough.

Personally, in my marriage, stress often pulls us closer together. I know that I can lean on him and he knows that he can lean on me. Being married is like being on a team and the better you can communicate and relate to each other, the stronger the chemistry will be.

After a long, difficult day I literally need my husband. Together, we have a bubble, where we can support each other to keep going, to work harder, to focus on what needs to be done, all while incorporating a love-based atmosphere. Work towards finding your own inner strength, be thoughtful towards your partner when they're stressed, and be open to that fact that human beings can only handle so much and sometimes, you really can't do everything.

Take a deep breath and keep your chin up, because in most cases, it really is mind over matter.

What's In A Name?

"What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell just as sweet..." - William Shakespeare

As always, my guy Shakespeare has a point. In recent times, more and more women are deciding to forgo changing their last name to match their husband's after getting married. Some women do it for professional reasons and some keep their name in order to keep their connection to their family. Whatever the reason, this choice isn't one that should be taken lightly.

Before I met my husband, I had never known a married woman who hadn't changed their last name. As many people know, my mother-in-law kept her maiden name. She and my father-in-law even decided to give all of their children (3 boys and 1 girl) her last name, Martin, as their middle names. But for me, the decision to change my name was always easy. I used to be closed off to the idea that women would keep their maiden name, as I thought that the decision to not take a man's name kept the two individuals from being a cohesive family unit, that was obvious by the names alone. I was wrong about that, though. (A family is a family regardless of name, just as my best friends are my family. One of those best friends, Shelby has, along with her entire family, adopted me as part of their relation, to which I will be eternally grateful.)

I changed my name for many reasons. I wanted Dylan and I to be the first two pieces of our family and I wanted to follow the tradition. The most controversial reason, though, was that I no longer wanted to be immediately associated with MY family. My parents were divorced and I didn't grow up in either of my parent's homes. My mother didn't keep her married name after divorce, even though her children had that name, which made me feel even more so that I didn't need my maiden name.

I moved out of my grandma's house on my 18th birthday and in with my then-boyfriend. I got married at 18, as well, 2 weeks before I started college.

When I changed my name, I was able to become a different person, of sorts. No one that I've met in college has ever known me as Jennifer Brewer. And I like it that way. I wanted to become my own independent self without people thinking of my family. I have been able to establish the two-person family of Nissley in a positive way. With this name I have been a sorority member, an editor and a managing editor, a college student, an wanderlust enthusiast, a student ambassador, a writing tutor, an adventurer, a Matron of Honor, a leader, a friend, a sister, and a wife.

There was a lot of bad blood that I had and still have with some members of my biological family and in some cases, there will probably never be enough time or forgiveness that could ever re-built those relationships.

So I became a Nissley. A member of a fun, loving, thoughtful, respectful, and accepting family.

I've never regretted this choice, as it has helped me become the kind of person that I've always wanted to be. A new name for me meant a new association, therefore letting me shed the skin of my former self and the attachment that came with my given name. I believe that I am blessed and lucky to share the name of my husband, because he represents all the best parts of myself. He challenges me every single day to be the best person I can be, and to be HIS family... That's a decision I can be proud of.

What Goes Around Comes Around

If you know very much about me, you know that I am a strong believer in karma: what goes around comes around. Most people believe in some sort of higher power, which can include all different ideas and forms. I'm pretty firm in my stance that energy is the most powerful source in the universe and therefore I believe that if you put out bad, bad will come to you and if you put out good, good will come to you.

Albert Einstein said, "Everything is energy and that's all there is to it. Match the frequency of the reality you want and you cannot help but get that reality. It can be no other way. This is not philosophy. This is physics." Science is vast and mystical being, to which I certainly will never understand, but one that I very highly believe in. Without science there would be no electricity, medicine, exploration or knowledge of space/the universe, plastic or foam, clean running water or soap to bathe, cameras or print photos, cars or airplanes, internet, all sorts of tools, or even condoms. If our entire world basically revolves around science, who am I, or anyone else for that matter, to question the power or intensity of science? 

Back to the idea of karma, Newton's Third Law states, "For every action there is equal and opposite reaction." Surely this can be applied to something like human energy. Human beings are possibly the most complex beings in our universe, which is why I believe that karma could indeed be an actual scientific principle. 

As you know, I am a writer, not a scientist, but just the fact that I can ponder the strength of science in a powerful and theoretical proves it's strength, once again. 

When it comes to my everyday life, I have taken on the practice of karma. I put good out into the world everyday, because I make sure to go out of my way everyday to do something for someone else. It doesn't matter how big or small I've helped people, the point isn't to brag about the energy I release; the point is that I have received very positive rewards since I adapted to this practice. I don't do good things with an expectation that I will get good things in return, I just do them. 

If you look at your life and you see a lot of negative, consider what you've been putting out. This isn't to say that bad things never happen to good people, but being good isn't always enough. Again, this is all about energy, in my (and Einstein's) book. You can be kind and helpful, still seeing no results. I have started my own theory that if there isn't a sacrifice made on your behalf, there may be little to no result. The idea is that if you put something out and expect nothing, you are being selflessly helpful to your fellow man, being, or planet. 

You may be pissed at me right now. I understand, but keep reading. 

York University has recently conducted a study wherein they found that small acts of kindness can benefit your emotional well-being. (FYI: York University is a public, research-oriented college in Toronto, Ontario and it is Canada's third-largest university.) Now, the way I presented karma may seem somewhat different from what I'm saying in relation to this article, but when you think about it, it should make sense. If you do things for other people, you'll start to feel better within yourself, which can lead to great opportunities. You're not going to win the lottery by paying for someone's coffee, but you'll gain confidence, which can help you get a great new job or attract other people (platonic or romantic, you never know...) who are happy, kind, and giving. 

It all comes back to the idea that good creates good. My advice: Be thoughtful and compassionate without expectations and, one way or another, positive reactions will be returned to you. 

The 7 Deadly Sins of Love

We all know about the typical 7 Deadly Sins: Greed, Lust, Wrath, Gluttony, Pride, Envy, and Sloth. I've always been enamored with these ideas and for the past 10 years or so, I have tried to make sure that I stay away from these character flaws. (Often the most "poisonous" people are the embodiment of at least one of these "sins.") With my interest of these, I find that there can also be 7 Deadly Sins within a relationship. Often times, people tend to constructively (and sometimes, not-so-constructively) criticize their partner for all different things, but these are "sins" that I find to be the most hurtful to a relationship.

1. Jealousy. Just how envy is one of the 7 Deadly Sins, jealousy is also bad for your relationship. Now, from time to time you may get jealous of your partner, that's natural. Maybe they got a promotion after you've been working toward one for a year. Maybe they have free time and you're always swamped. Maybe they get hit on when you're out on the town. Whatever the case may be, it is important to put that feeling on "the shelf." Working towards accomplishing goals that make you feel good about yourself, whether that means taking on a new project at work, volunteering, or working out. If you build yourself up, you'll probably gain self-confidence. Being insecure about your relationship or yourself can cause irreparable damage to both.

2. Unrealistically high expectations. You're a human, right? Well, more than likely, so is your partner. Imperfectness is something that comes with being a human, so before placing high expectations on your partner, consider the other things they have on their plate. You may get upset that they didn't come home and clean the house after work, but maybe they had an unusually heavy workload. Make sure that you aren't asking too much from your partner. Ask him/her calm questions to see if you're simply asking too much of them, because humans all have different, individual needs.

3. Selfishness. As said in #2, people have differing needs, so it is important to make sure their needs, as well as your own, are being met. Everyone needs alone time, everyone needs to spend time with their friends, everyone needs a day off. Sometimes the most selfish actions involve spending habits. (This goes for single people, too.) If you aren't living within your means, like eating out, shopping, going on vacation, etc., when you don't have the financial ability to do so, then STOP. Racking up debt instead of being thoughtful about other financial responsibilities is a huge indication of selfishness, because you're taking away security from you partner (and your future-self) to simply satisfy a present desire. This comes around to every day actions, if you do something without thinking about your partner, you're doing it wrong. Make decisions together, ask your partner about their opinion. A little selflessness goes a long way.

4. Not making quality time for each other. The keyword here is quality. I'm still in college and with that comes a lot of time management. I have a full course load, 2 internships, a job at the university writing center, a campus leadership position, and (for lack of a better term) a shitload of homework. Busy doesn't even begin to cover it. When I do get to spend time with my husband, often times we have other work to get done, like take care of our dog, visit our parents/siblings, go grocery shopping, clean, and volunteer. That is time that we get to spend together, but it isn't exactly quality time. Also, time we spend watching tv or working on our projects aren't exactly quality, either. Go out for dinner/dessert or have a picnic with your phones left at home, go for a walk and talk/quiet run, read a book together aloud, play a game, write a song, or just lay outside and stargaze. Do things that enrich your relationship.

5. Ungratefulness. Often in our busy lives, we take our lover for granted. We don't appreciate all the small details and gestures they do for us, but it is imperative that we stop and say 'thank you' for the help they extend or for the sweet text they sent. In order to not take things for granted, if you forget to say 'thank you,' but you remember the kind action, just pay it forward. Do something nice for them in return and tell them that you appreciated that thing they did. It will amaze you how much a returned kindness can make your relationship stronger.

6. Stubbornness. We all have opinions. Many of us have strong opinions, but that doesn't mean that we should ever be stuck in our ways. In some relationships, one or both partners may even be too stubborn to apologize, admit they're wrong, or work on a new solution to an old problem. Even if you think you're right, it is important to swallow your pride from time to time to keep your home happy and sane. Most arguments in my family start out of stubbornness: my dad always thinks he's right, my sister has a rough tone of voice, my mom is dismissive of others. It was a real challenge growing up, but I learned over time that the best way to 'win' an argument is to be flexible. Don't simply throw your hands up (give up), but know when the conversation is past the point of a logical end. Being willing to understand the other person's point of view is the best way to end stubbornness.

7. Being unforgiving. People are people. That's my mantra. You can't expect anyone to ever be perfect or to always do what you want them to do. If your partner says something offensive, do your best to go by Queen Elsa's advice and let it go. If your partner forgets to pick up tampons/clean the toilet/buy groceries for a dinner party/bathe the kids or dog, remember that there is always time to fix that missed action, but scolding them harshly for something may not be so easily repaired, so forgive them. If you do encounter a situation that cannot be forgiven, maybe that is a sign that you aren't with the right person for you, because if your trust is broken and cannot be restored, then your relationship probably isn't going to make it after all. And that's okay. Should you ever have a relationship/marriage that ends, simply remember that your life doesn't end just because your relationship/marriage did. Failure is a event, not a person. If the action is something you can forgive, don't hold on to something that bothers you because it can fester into resentment, which is one of the leading causes of relationship-death.

 

At the end of the day, we're all working towards being the best versions of ourselves. With the right environment and no self-sabotage, we can all be exactly who we want. Consistently working toward the version of yourself that you strive to be is the best way to ensure success. Happiness within yourself and your home are the keys to being successful in the big, wide world. 

Why I Always Cry At Weddings

I have shed at least one tear at very wedding I've ever attended. It's not because I'm a big sap or because I think the bride is the most gorgeous I've ever seen her or because the groom looks overwhelmingly happy.

I cry at weddings because they remind me of all the love that my husband and I share.

When I got married, I was merely 18 years old. Looking back, I still acknowledge that it was a huge decision, even though getting married didn't change my day-to-day life in an overwhelming way, especially since Dylan and I were already living together. We decided to get married because marriage itself is a promise of life-long love. What gets me emotional at weddings are the vows, which often contain even deeper promises.

"I promise to always be the love of your life."
"I promise to be a true and loyal friend to you."
"I promise to be faithful and supportive, knowing that our marriage is always my top priority."
"I promise to comfort you if the Colts lose and drink beer with you when they win."
"I promise kindness and patience, respect and lightheartedness, attentiveness and self-improvement."
"I promise to hold your hand every night and to never let us lose our spark."
"I promise to be your navigator, consoler, sidekick, best friend, and soulmate. I promise you myself."
"I promise to never give up."

When you decide to get married, you are consciously making the decision to make and keep promises that you offer to your spouse on your wedding day. Sometimes you will have a rough day and be upset with your partner, but you always come back to those promises that you made. You can't promise to be a perfect person, but you can promise to try your best. Hearing vows at wedding ceremonies really help me remember not only why I chose to get married, but why I chose to marry Dylan. It always comes back to unwavering, unending, mutually-obsessive love.

Wedding vows allow a multitude of people to vocalize what they want to give to their partner and also share their truest, mushiest, most candid, and love-filled feelings with friends and family. Often times, the bride and groom share personal aspects of their relationship that you may never get to see otherwise. I tend to cry during the vow exchange simply because you can feel a room fill up and be swallowed by the love that another couple shares.

Love is something that we are so lucky to experience as humans. Sometimes people take their marriage, their partners, and the ability to love whole-heartedly for granted. I personally chose to get married for two reasons: I never wanted to go another day without having Dylan by my side and I never wanted to have another day that I wasn't completely, selflessly, star-crossed, head-over-heels in love. And I can't imagine my life any other way. The richness that love brings to your life is the most rewarding and fulfilling aspect of the human experience.

There will never be anything in this world - be it money, travel, sexual pleasure, science, religion, education, politics, fame, patriotism, etc. - that will ever be more powerful than LOVE.

"We Need To Talk..."

Inevitably, all the relationships that you will ever have will go one of two ways: you'll break up or you'll be together for the rest of your lives.

I suppose this idea could be a bit menacing, but what really gets me is the road that leads to both of these outcomes. The majority of my friends are single and while cringing about some of the situations they've all encountered, I think the worst of them all is the breakups.

I don't say that breakups are the worst because I think being single sucks because I don't think that at all. I say that because I see that so many men and women don't really know how to deal with a breakup, therefore making it suck for the two people involved. There's a commonality in a lot of the relationship endings that I've witnessed:

Men will completely excommunicate the woman they are seeing.

I think that this trend has risen from the technological age that we're in. I find that men are afraid to directly confront a woman, possibly, which leads to a total cut-off. Now, I'm certainly not blaming men for this behavior, and I'm sure that there are also women that do this, but I must ask, when did it become acceptable to treat a human being as if they're a name on a screen, and not an actual person?

I tried to understand why a person would shut someone out so coldly, and the only answer that I came to is that they are afraid of hurting the other parties' feelings, yet it hurts much more to not even be acknowledged as someone getting broken up with. I do think that some men may do this because a lot of women seem to be overly dramatic when going through the "We Need To Talk" speech. Whoever is on the receiving end of the breakup obviously has a right to be upset, if they've been in a serious two-sided relationship, but I think all people should look at it this way:

If a man/woman completely cuts you off, why hold on so tightly? Would you really want to (potentially) marry someone who doesn't want to marry you?

For my husband and I, there wasn't a period where we ever questioned being together. We always knew. From the moment Dylan met me (literally a 30-second introduction, nearly a year before we ever went out on a date), he couldn't stop thinking about that girl. (Seriously, the most flattering thing I've ever heard from him, but yes, I also know that this doesn't happen with everyone.)

When going through an excommunication, I think that moving on quickly really is the best way to go, because wasting time and energy mourning a relationship you had with a person that doesn't want you isn't conducive to your love life or your mental health.

As adults, we should be able to let go of something that is one-sided. Marriage is consensual, meaning that you can't force someone to marry you (or if you have the magical powers to do so, you can't force them to be happily married or stay married). If you don't intend on ever getting married, you're more than likely going to endure even more breakups than other people.

If you want to end a relationship, seriously just have the guts to speak to that person either in-person or over the phone, so they can at least be told directly that you aren't interested anymore. I know that this is a simplification of breakups and relationships, but it all boils down to how you handle the tough situations that come about. Respecting the other person that you are/were involved with is a simple trait that all human beings should possess.

Remember, people are people and sometimes is doesn't work out. And that's okay.

What Would Beyoncé Do?

In our society, women are raised to look for a man. It is expected of us to search desperately for love and to be in relationship after relationship until we find ourselves with someone we want to marry and who wants to marry us. The ultimate goal for a female is to find a man that can be depended on. Women are to look for love.

Men are often taught to play the field and have a good time chasing tail while they're young. Our society tells young men that they should focus on themselves and do what makes them happy.  If a man wants to get married, they are encouraged to wait until they're older. The American education system is even specifically designed for men to succeed, whether you believe it or not. How many CEOs are female in comparison to male? How many doctors, lawyers, scientists, and even astronauts are female compared to male? Men are to look for sex and success.

Women are trained to feel afraid. Afraid that they aren't good enough. Afraid that they will never get married. Afraid that their ass is too fat or too flat. Afraid that they aren't beautiful. Afraid that no one will ever take them seriously. Afraid that they aren't smart enough or too smart. Afraid that they will be called a slut for having the same amount of sexual partners as the average male. Afraid to walk the streets alone at night. Afraid that someone might ask them what they were wearing when they were raped. Afraid that they won't make as much money as their co-worker. Afraid of being too outspoken and be considered a bitch. Afraid to fail. Afraid to try.

From the time that women are just children, we are taught to be modest and quiet. But what happens when I'm a loud, sexual being that happens to be female?  

I was taught what other women were taught, but as I grew older, I disassociated with the authoritative figures who taught me to be these things. To be honest, I never truly viewed my mom as an authority. She punished me from time to time, but mostly she gave me advice. She has made mistakes that I have learned from. At the same time, I have made my own mistakes, and she never said, "I told you so."

In my mother's strong and weak moments, I have learned the kind of woman I want to be.

I never want to bring down another person, but especially a female. Women live a very difficult life in the American culture. Minority and gay women have it even harder, because there are more stereotypes that they have to push against, and many of them feel even less like the "ideal American woman." (Some other cultures are even more disrespectful toward women.) Even the word feminist is often seen as a negative term.

Inside marriages, women are expected to be the homemaker and caretaker. In my marriage, I spend a great deal of my time handling business. I go to school full-time, I have two internships, and a leadership role on campus. I don't have time to cook dinner. I don't have time to do the laundry. On my days off (2 days), I clean and do what I can around the house. I am anything but a housewife.

In Beyoncé's (HAPPY B-DAY!) hit song, "Flawless," she speaks out about feminism. The song features part of a speech (part of the TEDxEuston conference) by Nigerian writer, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, who says:

"We teach girls to shrink themselves, to make themselves smaller. We say to girls, 'You can have ambition, but not too much. You should aim to be successful, but not too successful. Otherwise you will threaten the man.' Because I am female, I am expected to aspire to marriage. I am expected to make my life choices always keeping in mind that marriage is the most important. Now marriage can be a source of joy and love and mutual support. But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage and we don’t teach boys the same? We raise girls to see each other as competitors – not for jobs or for accomplishments, which I think can be a good thing, but for the attention of men. We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings in the way that boys are. Feminist: the person who believes in the social, political and economic equality of the sexes."

This specific speech and song mean so much to so many women because a strong, confident, successful, hardworking, intelligent, kind woman is standing up for feminism and womankind. (Beyoncé pictured below at the 2014 MTV VMAs during her medley performance, an honor given to her along with the Michael Jackson Video Vanguard Award, while 14 million people watched.)

In Adichie's speech, a part not featured in the song, she continues on to say:

"We teach girls shame. 'Close your legs. Cover yourself.' We make them feel as though being born female they're already guilty of something. And so, girls grow up to be women who cannot say they have desire. They grow up to be women who silence themselves. They grow up to be women who cannot say what they truly think. And they grow up – and this is the worst thing we do to girls – they grow up to be women who have turned pretense into an art form."

It is our responsibility as a society to smash these rules, expectations, and threats. It is time that every individual is seen as an individual. Yes, men and women are different, but we aren't so different that women should be seen as the lesser.

Think about the women you interact with on a regular basis and review your expectations of them. No human deserves to be dominated or destroyed by societal expectations. Every human deserves kindness and resect. Every human deserves to live a truly free life.

How I Feel About My Face

Almost everyone who knows me knows that I wear makeup every day. I really do love makeup, which is the main reason why I wear it. Many people have commented on my wide variety of lipstick shades (red, maroon, fuchsia, light pink, purple, etc.) and often remark on how confident I must be. The truth is, I wear lipstick, specifically, because it makes me feel more confident. I feel like my external self matches my internal self when I have a bold color on my lips.

I have received at least a hundred compliments from women (and men) of all ages, but I absolutely do not wear makeup for compliments or attention. 

First and foremost, I am a feminist. I base my entire life and belief system around this value. I believe that women are NEVER required to wear makeup and I encourage others to embrace their made-up AND naked-faced self. Even though I put makeup on every day that I leave my apartment, and even some days when I stay at home, I envy those women who are confident enough to feel free in their natural skin. I also am envious of men and the fact that our society often tells men that they're perfect enough just they way they are, but women, on the other hand, are not. It seems that everywhere you look, tv, movies, and magazines (even a damn Sears catalogue) features women with makeup on. It seems that there are very few women taking a stand against the expectation that American culture places on women to look perfect.

Shailene Woodley, who is known for her role on The Secret Life of the American Teenager, was chosen for the part of Hazel in the movie adaptation for John Green's stellar novel, The Fault in Our Stars. Woodley chose not to wear makeup for the film because she wanted to stay true to Hazel's character, who she believed wouldn't wear makeup. Award-winning musician, Colbie Caillat recently took a personal stance on natural beauty and photoshopping in her music video for her single, Try. (Both pictured below, makeup-less.)

My husband Dylan told me, "Although you're beautiful with your makeup on, I still think you're prettiest without it. That's because with makeup on it, feels like you're hiding something. At the very least you're hiding the little imperfections that are fundamentally you. And without it on, I feel that much closer to you." 

Now, I can give any kind of makeup tip you can come up with and I can suggest any kind of product that you may be looking for, but I cannot give you self-confidence. Hell, I've barely figured out how to have any level of self-confidence for myself at all. Dylan is right, I do use makeup as a tool to hide something about myself, to hide my insecurities. But I firmly believe that there is no shame in wearing makeup or not wearing makeup. Every human being on the planet is beautiful, no matter what they put on their face, because human beings, and the entire human experience is beautiful. 

The way I look at it, life should follow the simple guidelines of Cat Stevens' If You Want to Sing Out, Sing Out, because every lyric used in that song inspires people to do exactly what they want to do. "There's a million ways to be, you know that there are."